choosing #shoes for the other half

I've known for some time now that the CofE has a thing about shoes.  Its not spoken about much but I've decided to speak out on this almost hidden (I blame the cassocks) subject.

It was when my wife was being deaconed (the ceremony which amongst other things allowed her to wear a collar the wrong way round).

In preparation for the event she received some instructions about what to wear.

There were particular instructions about shoes.  Black, leather and no high heels the document proclaimed.  I asked what that was all about.  My wife explained that apparently those in authority had deemed such advice to be necessary to avoid people wearing shoes that were too showy and so drew attention to the individual.  It struck me at the time that if they didn't want individuals drawing attention to themselves then the authorities had made a schoolboy error, in arranging a service where they all stood up at the front and were surrounded by people in pointy hats.

Mind you who is in authority in the CofE is a murky concept.  The wife had to "swear that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, her heirs and successors, according to law: So help me God." - which is pretty clear with the only wriggle room being the words "according to law".  

Whereas the other oath she had to swear "by Almighty God that I will pay true and canonical obedience to the Lord Bishop of XXX and his successors in all things lawful and honest: So help me God."  See the extra "and honest" wriggle room there?

Instructions like those on which shoes my wife should wear are said to come from those above in the hierarchy.  Or it is said they are required by canon (the law of the land specific to the CofE - more often observed in the passing).  Often when you challenge which bit of canon says "you have to XXX" you'l find those quoting canon suddenly become strangely shy as to which particular bit.  It often turns out its actually just tradition (which is one of the key things the CoFE rest on - along with scripture and reason)

Often in fact the instructions are "because we've always given that advice" (so a genesis somewhere in the 1950s).  Or they come from the office cat jumping up onto the computer keyboard and - by a stroke of genuine luck - typing in such instructions as it prowls around.

As my wife has just started as a curate I have discovered that the instructions missed out some important criteria.  Churches have various types of flooring ranging from stone slabs, memorial stones, gratings and wood to carpets in various attractive and not hues.  It turns out that certain types of shoes make disconcerting squelching or farting like sounds when applied to the harder of  these flooring materials.

I don't know about you but I think Clark's and the like have missed a market opportunity here.  If they just included in their online descriptions a rating of the level of noise their shoes make on hard surfaces they could capture a specialist market - people who walk in public buildings in an official capacity who need to project a certain level of gravitas which might be eroded by farting shoes.