Having your own social circle

some of Apple's fashion collection from 1986

One piece of advice for a Rev's husband I've read somewhere is to join some sort of club - so you can build up your own circle of friends locally.

And I can see some of the sense in doing that - so that as well as friends at work (hopefully!)  - you've got friends near where you live.

But what the advice doesn't seem to take account of is the temporary nature of a posting as a curate.


As you may remember - we moved to a new market town for the curate posting my wife got.  But my wife is only going to be a curate for 3 or so years.  After that - assuming her training incumbent and the bishop give her the all clear - she'll be free to apply for her 1st substantive post somewhere in our current - or any other - diocese.

So ever since we moved I've known that we're only going to be here for 36 months or so.  Now of course that hasn't stopped us making some new friends - but the friendships are mostly with people in the church.

For me it didn't seem worthwhile getting involved in some local club - only to move on again after a short while.  I do sometimes wonder what Rev husbands in similar positions do.  In this diocese the Rev's Partners organisation doesn't much help in making contact with other Rev husbands.  Its still very much a Rev's wife dominated undertaking.

Anybody care to share their approach to the temporary nature of the curate posting - from a Rev's husband perspective?

Gender stereotypes

I suppose that for years the wives of clergy have had to put up with gender based assumptions about what they will do in the parish as the vicars wife.

So typically their input may have been sought for the Mothers Union, or a Ladies Group, or cake baking or repairing or making fabric furnishings used in church.

Even though there have been women priests since 1994 - and with the 2016 statistics showing 29% of ordained ministers being female  - 

I've found that there are far fewer assumptions about what I'll do in the parish as the husband of a Rev.  

Much like the wives of clergy I'd say that there still is a general assumption that you will play some role in the church other than just attending.  In reality in small churches this is often the case anyway  - because of all the various tasks that need to be done to hold a church service or maintain the building or support the wider community in some way.  (I'm told that in larger churches its far easier to just turn up and not be co-opted onto some task).

There are however some assumptions made based on my gender.  For instance its well known that all men are good at DIY.  Because of that it is assumed that I will do far more maintenance on the curate's house than I'm competent to do.

But even given that assumption I'm grateful that as a male other half of a Rev I have to deal with far fewer assumptions about what I'll do than a female other half would.  And there are small things you can do to counter some of the sexist assumptions female other halves face.  Even if you can't play a role at the church because of other commitments.  

So for example in our marriage when the other half became a Rev we switched to me doing the bulk of the cooking.  It was something I was able to do and it was needed given the 6 day a week morning, afternoon, evening shifts that Revs often have to work.  Indeed amongst men of a certain age it still appears to be something of a revelation that a man would do most of the cooking at home.