This Blog - a change to how often I post

I started this blog to share my experiences of being a Revs husband.  

I decided to do that because when I started as a RH I couldn't find much help or insight on the internet.  

For the last year or so I've blogged every week on a variety of subjects.

(as indicated by the thematic index below which has links to the various posts).

Over that time I think I've covered many of the main themes a vicar's spouse might wish to find some advice on.

So I know think its time to switch to posting as and when I come across experiences and situations I think would be of use for other husbands of Revs.  If you have any request for subjects to cover let me know via comments on this post.

THEMATIC INDEX OF PREVIOUS POSTS

BLOG - why I started it, 

CHURCH - after church, going to church together, how much do you get involved, remembering names, sermon bingo, parish weekend away 10 tips, what you don't know, 

FAMILY & HOUSE - christmas, christmas lunch, somebody else's decoration, answering the door, answering the phone, cooking & housework, easter, losing your lounge, only 3 years, maintenance, telling the family we're moving,  moving top 11 tips, the study/greeting room, tied housing, 

MONEY - charitable giving, what the church pay for, 

REVS HUSBAND - advice in books, advice any suggestions? advice to your wife - best given when asked for, your calling, talking about christian things with the wife, feedback to your wife, your own friends, gender stereotypes, your spiritual health, ideas to your wife, not having your own space, 

TIME OFF - post christmas break, weekday evenings, the day off, weekends, old & new friends, 

TRANSPORT - 2 cars, 

UNRELATED - Comms & digital media - 10 lessons from 7 years, Easter & Lent: various clips, Walking in Nepal 1, 2, 3, Pentecost: various clips, 

YOUR WIFE - colds in December, craft materials, daily office, their ordination, their shoes,  wedding couple chats, 

Pitch ideas and comments to your wife not the church process

If you're married to a Rev and your a christian who wants to help at your local church,(assuming your partner is the Rev there), then at some point you're going to have to think about what you get involved in and how much.

For example, I think that getting involved in the PCC would, on balance, cause my Rev wife more problems than would be helpful.  I say this because it seems to me you'd quickly run into issues like - "Is he talking for himself or expressing a view they both share?", let alone what happens when you disagree in a PCC on an action to be taken.

Plus I think it would mean you were more likely - as a couple - to talk about her work at home over meals - when in fact exactly the opposite is needed to provide a break.

Now I'm sure other couples will take a different view on this issue.  And as long as they discuss it and think through the consequences before committing to certain positions then that seems reasonable to me.

For myself I'm happy helping by being on various rotas (what would the CofE do without rotas?).   And I've decided that if I have a comment on something that is going on in church I'll comment to my wife not to the individuals concerned.  I take that approach for two reasons:

1) My wife as the Rev is better placed to decide whether its an issue that is important or not;

2) I think its better for me to be in a neutral position as concerns the various powers, factions, tribes or camps that are usually present in any church (and indeed in any community).

I think there is also a judgement call to be made in whether you make a comment to your Rev wife at all.  The issue maybe really important to you but is it really something the Rev needs to be dealing with?

Going to #church together

Before my wife became a full time Rev we used to go to church together. Typically we'd journey to church together, walk into the church together, catch up with some people, choose a place to sit down together, sing the hymns and say the liturgy together, listen to the sermon together, end the service together, have a coffee and a chat, then go home ...... together.  

Well I guess you get the together point.   



Now-a-days in the village we live in the other half is sometimes up the front doing something.  Or often as not she is another of the other 4 churches she has care of also.  All of this means that I mostly sit on my own when I go to church.  

Now the congregation here are very friendly so I usually chat to somebody near me in the pews before and/or after the service.  But it isn't quite the same as being in church attending a service with your wife.  

The whole experience has made me far more aware of what its like coming into a church on your own and initially not knowing many people.  Its also meant that  - on the rare occasions when we can go to church together - its a bit of a treat.

Taking a break after Christmas Day

In our first advent/christmas season with my wife as a priest the main difference for me has been an increase in what I need getting presents and preparing for the big day.  

For my wife there has been an increase in workload over the same season.  A fair bit of this is down to the long list of special church services and related events that only happen during advent and christimas.

So she's done various christmas fayres, school nativity plays, church nativity plays, christingle/carol/crib services, christmas dinners laid on for older/on their own folk plus the usual home visits and funerals.

By the time we got to Boxing Day she was ready for a break - plus its a good time for clergy to take a Sunday off, (clergy are only allowed to take so many Sundays off a year).  Fortunately we'd thought of that idea beforehand - and so managed to book a few days in small flat for 2 on the Norfolk coast - from which there are several great walks we could go on. 

So my top tip to husbands of newish Revs - if you can - book some time after advent and Boxing Day to go away and have some time away together enjoying walks and each others company.

Gender stereotypes

I suppose that for years the wives of clergy have had to put up with gender based assumptions about what they will do in the parish as the vicars wife.

So typically their input may have been sought for the Mothers Union, or a Ladies Group, or cake baking or repairing or making fabric furnishings used in church.

Even though there have been women priests since 1994 - and with the 2016 statistics showing 29% of ordained ministers being female  - 

I've found that there are far fewer assumptions about what I'll do in the parish as the husband of a Rev.  

Much like the wives of clergy I'd say that there still is a general assumption that you will play some role in the church other than just attending.  In reality in small churches this is often the case anyway  - because of all the various tasks that need to be done to hold a church service or maintain the building or support the wider community in some way.  (I'm told that in larger churches its far easier to just turn up and not be co-opted onto some task).

There are however some assumptions made based on my gender.  For instance its well known that all men are good at DIY.  Because of that it is assumed that I will do far more maintenance on the curate's house than I'm competent to do.

But even given that assumption I'm grateful that as a male other half of a Rev I have to deal with far fewer assumptions about what I'll do than a female other half would.  And there are small things you can do to counter some of the sexist assumptions female other halves face.  Even if you can't play a role at the church because of other commitments.  

So for example in our marriage when the other half became a Rev we switched to me doing the bulk of the cooking.  It was something I was able to do and it was needed given the 6 day a week morning, afternoon, evening shifts that Revs often have to work.  Indeed amongst men of a certain age it still appears to be something of a revelation that a man would do most of the cooking at home.

What to do after #church

During  her curacy we are fortunate that my wife tends to take or lead services mostly at one of the areas churches.  And if possible I go along to theses services.  

Of course she leaves home earlier than me as its always busy with people coming up to catch her.  This tends to be people involved in the service, in some way - sidespeople, readers, those saying the prayers and other Revs - or other officials in the church.  And often she will need to position her various visual or physical aids she is using to help illustrate her sermon or talk.



In many ways this is little different from what it was like before she was a Rev, largely because she and I were quite active in our previous church.  

What is different is the amount of her time that is taken up after the church service. Loads of people seem to want to have a word - about something coming up in the next week or just wanting to catch up with her.  And equally there are often several people she needs to talk to.  

Unless she is going on to do something else after church I like to wait for her so we can walk home together.  As one of the Revs she is often one of the last to leave the building.  Which means as the other half I end up hanging around at the very end.   

As company I have church wardens and sidespeople and coffee rota people - most busy clearing up or getting ready for the next service.  And nice as they all are there is only so much light conversation you can have with them, especially if they are busy doing things.

I could just shoot off home after the service but the walk home with the other half is a good chance for a bit of a chat which I'd rather not miss.    So  I wait till the missus is ready to go.  I help those clearing up or stacking chairs.  And I wait.

So my top tip is to take a kindle or book with you to church - so if you have time to kill you can at least read that. 

Giving #feedback to the other half on services they lead or preach at

I know somebody who earns their living as an actor.  One time when we were chatting he explained to me the custom of directors giving notes to cast members.

As I remember his explanation this wasn't about the passing of an actual bit of paper.  Instead it was the act of giving an actor feedback on their performance.

Both the good and the bad.

Now before my wife became a Rev both of us were quite active in our local church in our village.  As part of that we would regularly lead services or give talks.   Over the years of doing such we had both got into the habit of giving each other verbal "notes" after the other half had done something in a church service.  

So typically this would cover issues like the clarity of the points made in a talk or whether an activity or illustration worked.  

As my wife started her curacy I'm now the only one giving notes as I don't do leadership stuff in church services. And of course I'm not in any way her director.  Her training and education leading up to ordination have made her way more qualified than I as concerns preaching and leading in a church context.  So the balance of each of us giving notes to the other has been lost.  It is now largely one way traffic.

So now-a-days I find myself having to be more thoughtful about what I say in giving feedback.  Which on reflection is probably a good thing.  As the weeks have turned into months of her being a curate I've noticed one thing.  

How each church develops its own particular way of running services but describes how it does things as "Oh you know, just the usual way"

So at a very charismatic evangelical church I attended when I was much younger we'd describe the services as being spirit led and free from a set approach or liturgy.  But in fact looking back on it now there were particular times in the service when people would speak in tongues and another person would offer an interpretation (but not always).

At the church my wife is a curate at they have a 1662 Book of Common Prayer (BCP) Morning Service.  A big attraction of this service to those who attend is its traditional, familiar and well loved liturgy and order.  And yet they don't follow the service quite in the order that is actually in the 1662 Book.  

Which is all a long winded approach to observing that when I'm giving my wife notes on a service she has led I find myself often actually giving notes on the particular liturgical ticks and quirks the church has developed over the years.  

At the present church they're not much given to giving helpful asides to indicate where in the service order we are or whether to sit of stand.  When I've chatted to others I'm told this is because the attendees are all regulars and know how it works.  T

This reply seems to be blind to the fact that what the regulars know is how we do it here - which isn't actually what is in the BCP.  It also seems to me to be a self fulfilling prophecy in terms of getting anybody new in or being welcoming to those who don't know how it works.

Still perhaps I'm being over sensitive on this issue.  I say this because I'm increasingly coming to the view that church services aren't a thing that will attract in people who have never been to church before.

Remembering #Names

I'm useless at remembering names.

But as the wife is a curate people seem to sometimes assume that if she knows their name then so will I.

When you're part of a church community it really does help to be able to call people by their first names.  And its far more preferable than "I've forgotten your name" smokescreens like "Hi mate",  "Greetings Friend",  "Wotcha" and soon on.



Over time I've picked up a couple of tips to help me remember names better ...

1) Always try and use the persons name a couple of times early on in your conversation.  For me this seems to help cement their name in my short term memory a bit more.

2) In your minds eye try to associate the person and their name with somebody else you know well.

3) I almost always carry a bit of  paper and pen with me so - as soon as I can after a conversation - I scribble down the name and a couple of key facts from the conversation to help me remember them.

4) Then when I get home I enter their name onto a list with a brief something to help me remember the person.  For me this seems to work as long as every now and then I read through the list and the reminders.

When we moved for my wife's curacy we wee lucky in that the church was having an away weekend in the summer before she started as their curate.  So we managed to get along to the weekend which really helped us learn a few names.  

In addition at the end of the weekend a group photo was taken.  With the churchwardens help my wife was able to write a key underneath the photo of people's names.  A quick glance at the photo and it's key every now and then helped us quickly learn people's names.

In fact this worked so well my top tip to church's welcoming new staff would be to take a group photo of the congregation, add people's names and send that to the new staff member a couple of weeks before they start.

how much do you get involved in the church(es) your wife is the curate at

We've been in our current parish for well over a decade.  When we moved into the village it was tempting to commute to a bigger more lively church.

But rather than do that we decided to go to the local village church.

Over time we've made many friends in the church and village as our two daughters grew up.  

And over that time we've tried to be more than consumers at the village church.

The list of roles we've helped with over those 10+ years is quite large and includes youth work, Sunday School, PCC, bible study groups, leading services, playing in the worship band, being a churchwarden, being a sidesperson, doing prayers and readings, helping with the maintenance work around the churchyard and church building, helping various projects to improve the buildings.

As my wife moves towards ordination I'm now thinking through which, if any roles it would be appropriate for me to volunteer for when she becomes a vicar at a church (or more likely now-a-days vicar for several churches).

Chatting with friends about this some have said there should be no limit to what roles I could do.

What my gut tells me is to do some things - like readings and prayers in church - but to keep away from any more formal roles.  I guess in part it will come down to what help is needed in the parishes we move to and what level of my involvement my wife is comfortable with.