Gardening, seasons and knowing its three years

At our previous house I'd done the manual labour in the garden and some weeding (once the other half had shown me which were the weeds and which weren't).  

Planting stuff and pruning were all jobs beyond my expertise and so my wife did those.

As it was our own house I guess we put a bit of effort in as we had in mind we'd be around it for some time.  And we were.

Now we've moved into the curate's house - which is a fantastic perk of the wife's Rev job - we have a much smaller garden.  So gardening duties at the moment are more about doing the minimum to keep it tidy and make it a nice place to sit out in as the weather is better.

In deciding what plants - if any - we buy for the garden I've noticed in myself a tendency to pick those that can be grown in pots - and so can move on with us - as well as focusing on plants that you see results on in a year or less.

As you can tell from the direction of this story - after only a few months of being the curate's husband - what I've already noticed is how the knowledge that we'll probably be moving on in 3 or so years effects how I view things.  I'm not saying that I engage with the local life less enthusiastically.  Its something more subtle than that.  

The nearest feeling I can match it to was when I went to university.  New town, new people, new things to do, new place to call home.  And at uni of course I engaged fully in the student lifestyle.  (Mind you this was in a pre-internet, pre-mobile, pre-always connected  age where you really did feel unconnected from home when you went to Uni.  Contact with home tended to be limited to queuing at the phone box to shovel money as you talked to an anxious Mum and Dad back home)

But in that Uni experience  - at the back of your mind  - you knew that it was a three year gig - a temporary (but important) peculiar island on the trip forward to some unknown destination in your life.

And that is kinda what it feels like it is now for me in the wife's 1st year as a curate.

choosing #shoes for the other half

I've known for some time now that the CofE has a thing about shoes.  Its not spoken about much but I've decided to speak out on this almost hidden (I blame the cassocks) subject.

It was when my wife was being deaconed (the ceremony which amongst other things allowed her to wear a collar the wrong way round).

In preparation for the event she received some instructions about what to wear.

There were particular instructions about shoes.  Black, leather and no high heels the document proclaimed.  I asked what that was all about.  My wife explained that apparently those in authority had deemed such advice to be necessary to avoid people wearing shoes that were too showy and so drew attention to the individual.  It struck me at the time that if they didn't want individuals drawing attention to themselves then the authorities had made a schoolboy error, in arranging a service where they all stood up at the front and were surrounded by people in pointy hats.

Mind you who is in authority in the CofE is a murky concept.  The wife had to "swear that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, her heirs and successors, according to law: So help me God." - which is pretty clear with the only wriggle room being the words "according to law".  

Whereas the other oath she had to swear "by Almighty God that I will pay true and canonical obedience to the Lord Bishop of XXX and his successors in all things lawful and honest: So help me God."  See the extra "and honest" wriggle room there?

Instructions like those on which shoes my wife should wear are said to come from those above in the hierarchy.  Or it is said they are required by canon (the law of the land specific to the CofE - more often observed in the passing).  Often when you challenge which bit of canon says "you have to XXX" you'l find those quoting canon suddenly become strangely shy as to which particular bit.  It often turns out its actually just tradition (which is one of the key things the CoFE rest on - along with scripture and reason)

Often in fact the instructions are "because we've always given that advice" (so a genesis somewhere in the 1950s).  Or they come from the office cat jumping up onto the computer keyboard and - by a stroke of genuine luck - typing in such instructions as it prowls around.

As my wife has just started as a curate I have discovered that the instructions missed out some important criteria.  Churches have various types of flooring ranging from stone slabs, memorial stones, gratings and wood to carpets in various attractive and not hues.  It turns out that certain types of shoes make disconcerting squelching or farting like sounds when applied to the harder of  these flooring materials.

I don't know about you but I think Clark's and the like have missed a market opportunity here.  If they just included in their online descriptions a rating of the level of noise their shoes make on hard surfaces they could capture a specialist market - people who walk in public buildings in an official capacity who need to project a certain level of gravitas which might be eroded by farting shoes.

The day off and what to do

Revs in the CofE are meant to have one day off a week.  Usually this isn't at the weekends and so is a weekday.  

Deciding what to do as a couple on your day off is interesting.  

After a particularly busy week my Rev wife just needs some do nothing time rather than visiting or shopping.  If you're in a  small town or village you'll inevitably find that if you go shopping locally your Rev other half will bump into parishioners and you'll end up doing the shopping whilst she chats with them.

Which is why getting away from the town together as a couple to a new environment is often exactly what we need.  


For us I think part of the art-form of all of this is not being too organised about what we are going to do for every day off - whilst balancing this with some forward thinking and planning as concerns going out for a meal or a concert together.

For myself as the Rev's husband I've also had to get into habit of not organising things on the wife's day off.

The #Study and/or Greeting Room

If you didn't know it diocese have various guidelines for clergy housing. These normally suggest its a good idea if there is a room downstairs in the house where the Rev can meet people.  

Often this will have to double as their study as well and the advice is it should be accessible from the hallway off which there should preferably also be a WC (This is all to avoid visitors having to walk through family rooms).  

Curates accommodation, and indeed that for vicars, may or may not actually meet these guidelines.  




When my wife was a curate she was fortunate to be provided with a house that  had a room she could use as her study and a separate front room that could be used for visitors (and when not in use was a useful 2nd lounge with a 2nd TV/computer).

I say all this because what this practically often means for you - the Rev's other half - is that you're not going to get your own study/desk area. When we were in a curates house I got round this by having a standing desk in the lounge.  And in the current vicarage there is a spare bedroom I can use as my study - as long as our daughters aren't home.  But when they move back having completed uni (not a certain future but fairly probable) it maybe that the spare bedroom isn't spare any more.

All of this is probably a long winded way of saying that a standing desk is probably your best bet if you want some sort of area in the house where you can keep stuff on a desk (or something like it).

Charitable Giving

Moving to the parish where my wife was going to be a curate gave us the opportunity to review how much £ we give away and to who.

That is the great thing about moving.  You can you can use it as a prompt to review all sorts of things - like what aspects of church you help with or whether moving boxes of things from one loft to another is really all that sensible.

So we took the opportunity to rationalise the number of worthy causes we give money to. 

Over the years we'd built up a large variety of small monthly donations to a wide variety of charities.  This wasn't part of a grand strategy but more to do with myself being caught on the street by insistent and persuasive chuggers.

As my wife is going to be a curate at one church then which church to give to is a fairly easy decision.  For those whose better halves have multiple churches and parishes to serve I guess the situation is trickier.

So as you move to a new parish(s) my advice would be to use it as a prompt to review old habits and customs you've grown into without really intending to.

#advice in #books for #husbands of #clergy

When I first knew I was going to be the husband of a Rev I scoured the internet for advice.

One of the books I found was matthew caminer's "a clergy husband's survival guide"

In summary what this book does is give guidance around four themes.  I've picked out some of the advice that resonated with me ....




1) the journey - which covers the long process towards ordination and the early years and issues like the initial interviews or what to expect if either of you have been divorced.

advice
- be proactive in booking leisure time that you both do together.
- in preparation for the 1st posting  - talk about how much you can plan for by thinking ahead (my addition to this would be to also recognise what should not  be thought through ahead)



2) clergy husband: what does it mean? - which covers issues like your self knowledge, church attendance, her journey and yours, boundaries and expectations.

advice
- take the initiative in maintaining contact with old friends.
- make sure you have activities that reflect your own interests.



3) lifestyle issues - which covers issues like who pays which bills, grants, email and telephones, days off, the use of the house for church business.

advice
- agree which bits of the home are available for church business and which are not.
- leave a a message pad by all telephones in the house.



4) if things go wrong - which covers issues like discord within the parish, sex, adultery and addiction, loss of faith, illness and bereavement
. advice
- talk with your wife about any battles with the hierarchy but don't intervene
- be aware of your weak areas and know what the early warning signs are

Ordination and #answering the #door

(ht NASA for the image)

So its getting ordained time.  Not me - the better half.  In preparation my soon to be Rev wife has gone away on a retreat. Via phone calls I've learnt that  - apart from this being the final spiritual preparation for the big ordination day - its also where they do the various swearing loyalty oaths thing.

One is an oath of allegiance to the monarch - "I, A B, do swear that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, her heirs and successors, according to law: So help me God. "

And the other is an oath of Obedience" I, A B, do swear by Almighty God that I will pay true and canonical obedience to the Lord Bishop of C and his successors in all things lawful and honest: So help me God."


Given what I heard Revs say about the monarchy and/or their bishop it appears that some people take these oaths less seriously than others - or are just forgetful!

The ordination service itself was very moving and of course I was terribly proud of my wife who is now a Deacon and can use the Rev title.  With luck about a year from now she'll be "priested".  After the service there was much photographing of the group of ordinands and friends and family.  The Vicar from the church she's going to be a curate at came along as did several people from the congregation.

On a more mundane note I've been reading up online about the answering the curacy door to homeless people.  Some people seem to suggest this will happen quite a lot so you need to think through your response - so do you give money or offer a cup of tea and a sarnie? - do you invite them in or keep them on the doorstop.

My gut tells me this actually won't be a big issue - although to be fair the online advice I did find often said this was more likely to happen once the Rev becomes a vicar and the main point of focus in a parish(s).  

Also the parish my wife is now a curate in is pretty affluent so I'm guessing this won't be a real issue - but it has demonstrated again how hard it is to find advice from other husbands of Revs on this - or other matters.

what the church or #Diocese does or doesn't #pay for

We pay for the phone & internet connections and the heating and lighting.  

In my wife's case the church provided the curate's house and pay for any works on it and for her working expenses, (e.g. paper, stamps, phone calls, petrol for getting to church activities).  

The Diocese pay for any training required for her and also pay for the water and council tax.

I am told that clergy tax returns are a complicated thing in terms of what you can and can't claim for and have to declare as payment in kind.  

So for the 1st year at least the other half is going to get an expert to do the tax return.  As we're renting out our old house and its in our joint names we'll also each have to declare the half of the rent we each receive.  I'm also told you need to nominate the house you own as your primary residence with the tax people.  Apparently this avoids Capital Gains Tax if you sell it.

In our Diocese the diocese also pay for the moving costs - even to the extent of a move where the  movers come in and pack everything up for you.  We've never had that before so it came as a very welcome luxury.  You still need to do all the unpacking the other end.

#Cooking and #housework

ht Tomas Laurinavicius for the photo via picjumbo.com

When my wife started her academic training to become a Rev I took on the bulk of the food shopping and cooking duties. 

Previously she had done most of this as I had a longish commute into London each day for work.

Fortunately for us around the time she started studying my circumstances changed and the long commute was no more.

For us making this change turned out to have been the right choice.  All the reading and essay writing and assignments that the course required meant that she would never have had the time to do the cooking for the family as well in the evening.

So for the 3 years she was a studying for the theology degree (non residential) I did almost all of the cooking and food shopping.  I was less good at taking on the house cleaning, clothes washing and ironing duties.  

Since we moved in preparation for the other half starting as a curate I've kept up with the shopping and food cooking duties and got a little better at the cleaning duties (but not the ironing).  To give me a break from cooking the other half does cook once a week - normally on the day off.

For us changing circumstances for both of us meant we were prompted to fall into a new routine that better suited the 6 day a week role my wife was taking on as a Rev.  For others of you it maybe that only the Rev one of you has a change in circumstance ... in which case you need to have a deliberate conversation about what changes to home based chores you need to make. 

how much do you get involved in the church(es) your wife is the curate at

We've been in our current parish for well over a decade.  When we moved into the village it was tempting to commute to a bigger more lively church.

But rather than do that we decided to go to the local village church.

Over time we've made many friends in the church and village as our two daughters grew up.  

And over that time we've tried to be more than consumers at the village church.

The list of roles we've helped with over those 10+ years is quite large and includes youth work, Sunday School, PCC, bible study groups, leading services, playing in the worship band, being a churchwarden, being a sidesperson, doing prayers and readings, helping with the maintenance work around the churchyard and church building, helping various projects to improve the buildings.

As my wife moves towards ordination I'm now thinking through which, if any roles it would be appropriate for me to volunteer for when she becomes a vicar at a church (or more likely now-a-days vicar for several churches).

Chatting with friends about this some have said there should be no limit to what roles I could do.

What my gut tells me is to do some things - like readings and prayers in church - but to keep away from any more formal roles.  I guess in part it will come down to what help is needed in the parishes we move to and what level of my involvement my wife is comfortable with.