This Blog - a change to how often I post

I started this blog to share my experiences of being a Revs husband.  

I decided to do that because when I started as a RH I couldn't find much help or insight on the internet.  

For the last year or so I've blogged every week on a variety of subjects.

(as indicated by the thematic index below which has links to the various posts).

Over that time I think I've covered many of the main themes a vicar's spouse might wish to find some advice on.

So I know think its time to switch to posting as and when I come across experiences and situations I think would be of use for other husbands of Revs.  If you have any request for subjects to cover let me know via comments on this post.

THEMATIC INDEX OF PREVIOUS POSTS

BLOG - why I started it, 

CHURCH - after church, going to church together, how much do you get involved, remembering names, sermon bingo, parish weekend away 10 tips, what you don't know, 

FAMILY & HOUSE - christmas, christmas lunch, somebody else's decoration, answering the door, answering the phone, cooking & housework, easter, losing your lounge, only 3 years, maintenance, telling the family we're moving,  moving top 11 tips, the study/greeting room, tied housing, 

MONEY - charitable giving, what the church pay for, 

REVS HUSBAND - advice in books, advice any suggestions? advice to your wife - best given when asked for, your calling, talking about christian things with the wife, feedback to your wife, your own friends, gender stereotypes, your spiritual health, ideas to your wife, not having your own space, 

TIME OFF - post christmas break, weekday evenings, the day off, weekends, old & new friends, 

TRANSPORT - 2 cars, 

UNRELATED - Comms & digital media - 10 lessons from 7 years, Easter & Lent: various clips, Walking in Nepal 1, 2, 3, Pentecost: various clips, 

YOUR WIFE - colds in December, craft materials, daily office, their ordination, their shoes,  wedding couple chats, 

Talking about #christian things with the #wife

Training to be a Rev with the dear old CofE does take some time.  

First there is all that discernment to sort out whether God really is calling a person to the vocation of being a priest. 


In addition to discernment,(say 1 or 2 years), some Diocese also like you to have attended one of their 3 year courses - so add another year or 2.



The prospective priest then has the education bit for the theology degree - so thats another 3 years.  

Then there is the 1st training/apprentice placement as a Rev Curate or something similar for 3 or so years.  

And then its onto the 1st appointment as a vicar or team member or whatever.  

In traveling this path there is a lot of learning - about yourself, your faith and - of course - about theology.

I list all of this because one of the things I've noticed is how it affected my faith discussions with my wife as she traveled the path to be a Rev.  Before she started on the path above I like to think our discussions were between two people with an equal amount of faith experience and learning.

Now-a-days that plainly isn't the case - the other half is considerably more knowledgeable about such matters and in particular the various positions and arguments people take on them.  

So although we are still co-explorers she's way ahead of me.   

Another unexpected consequence of the wife becoming a Rev, (although I guess with a bit more thought at the start I should have seen this coming).

#Discerning what your #calling is

When my wife was doing her theological degree the college she was at - St Mellitus - used to organise a daytime event for spouses to share their experiences and get a bit of input. 

I went on one of these and it was interesting to see the different approaches spouses took to their other halves doing vicar training - and to think about the pros and cons of each approach -below is a summary of the types.

1) Clergy couples - By that I mean one was already a Rev and the other was training to be one.

Pros - better understanding and support of each other

Cons - competition between and lack of a different perspective

2) Its a joint calling - The other half to the Rev saw themselves being jointly called with their spouse - to be active in what they would eventually go on to do (but without the theological degree or the licensing as a Rev)

Pros - supportive and collabortive

Cons - confusion over the difference between their callings and hierarchy issues

3) Its his/her thing and I'll support them - Typically the other half is happy their spouse has been called to become a Rev - and is happy to support generally - but doesn't see it as a joint calling to serve God and the church.

Pros - supportive but also able to have some distance

Cons - maybe not bought into some of the sacrifices the Rev will be making

4) Nothing to do with me - there was one person I ran into where their partner wasn't a christian and so therefore wasn't "signed up" to the whole endeavour  - at a spiritual level at least

Pros - a truly different pespective

Cons - strain on the relationship

I see myself as fitting into the 3) category above.  Of course the college days are long gone and my wife is now in her first year of being a curate.  So far what I've found is that there is little support for the other halves of clergy - at least from the diocese and the bishop and archdeacon areas under it - except for an annual invite to a bash at the big bishops house.

The diocese set up does have a clergy spouse support organisation - but that is geared towards clergy wives not clergy husbands.

And I'm not entirely certain what sort of support I need - or could be helped with anyway.  My gut tells me that it would be useful to meet with others and swop experiences to get an idea of how others approach the role.

And in a way this is why I started writing this weekly blog - to share my experiences with others - in a way that might now and then be helpful.  

#advice in #books for #husbands of #clergy

When I first knew I was going to be the husband of a Rev I scoured the internet for advice.

One of the books I found was matthew caminer's "a clergy husband's survival guide"

In summary what this book does is give guidance around four themes.  I've picked out some of the advice that resonated with me ....




1) the journey - which covers the long process towards ordination and the early years and issues like the initial interviews or what to expect if either of you have been divorced.

advice
- be proactive in booking leisure time that you both do together.
- in preparation for the 1st posting  - talk about how much you can plan for by thinking ahead (my addition to this would be to also recognise what should not  be thought through ahead)



2) clergy husband: what does it mean? - which covers issues like your self knowledge, church attendance, her journey and yours, boundaries and expectations.

advice
- take the initiative in maintaining contact with old friends.
- make sure you have activities that reflect your own interests.



3) lifestyle issues - which covers issues like who pays which bills, grants, email and telephones, days off, the use of the house for church business.

advice
- agree which bits of the home are available for church business and which are not.
- leave a a message pad by all telephones in the house.



4) if things go wrong - which covers issues like discord within the parish, sex, adultery and addiction, loss of faith, illness and bereavement
. advice
- talk with your wife about any battles with the hierarchy but don't intervene
- be aware of your weak areas and know what the early warning signs are

why i started this blog

In the last 5 years I think the Church of England has really improved its research. The chart above is one example.  Qualitative studies have been joined by quantitative research using robust statistical analysis.

I mention all of this because my wife is getting closer and closer to her ordination in the Church of England.  As she does I wanted to understand a bit more about her chosen vocation.  What do Revs do? What journeys have others taken to be a Rev?  You've probably already guessed that I've found the CofE research great in answering those questions.  

But when I looked for information on what it was like being a Rev's husband I found far less help and information.  The Diocese did organise an annual ordinand evening to which spouses were invited and at which I met others in similar situations to mine.  And the college my wife was theologically educated at did make an effort to arrange spouse events.  But of course the other blokes at such events were in the same boat as me - we could see a change coming but had little idea of what it meant.  I also found that quite a lot of the spouses there were either married to a Rev or viewed their partners calling as a joint calling.  As this wasn't the position I'm in it made some of the conversations less useful.

My wife and I live in the southern half of the UK.  Given that context I have found no studies on what it's like being a husband to a Rev.  My gut instinct is that the same is largely true for studies on being the wife of Rev.  And to be fair there are some narrative descriptions of being a Rev's wife from which I've got some useful insights.  

But there seem to be precious few modern descriptions of what it's like being a Rev's husband.  Particularly if you're not a Rev and have no calling to be one or anything like it.

Which is why I decided to start this blog.  

Looking ahead I hope to post weekly on my Rev's husband experiences.  With luck I'll be able to sustain a weekly post.  If I do then I'll cover my experiences as my wife becomes a curate and then later  - I hope - moves into a substantive post.

With a bit of luck over time the posts will create a modern narrative that might even help others moving towards being a Rev's husband.  

Some of what I share will be totally irrelevant to your experiences.  Hopefully some of it won't.  Maybe others will find the time to comment on the posts.  And if they do then that will help this blog share resources and stories useful to Rev's husbands.