Where to get #advice as a Rev's husband - any suggestions or topics?

One of the reasons I started thisblog was because when I searched the internet for advice on being a Rev's husband I didn't find a lot.

I did discover that using the words clergy, spouse and husband in a google search brings up an interesting array of articles about clergy straying from the straight and narrow with someone else's husband or wife.


So over the last 9 months or so I've tried to blog on my experiences as a Rev's husband in what I hope is a useful way. I've covered topics like moving house, what the diocese pays for, living in tied housing, deciding how much to get involved in your wife's church, advice in books, her day off, choosing shoes (no really!) , losing the weekend, your own spiritual development, answering the phone and going to church together.

If you've got some suggestions on topics you'd like me to cover do please let me know via a comment

Talking about #christian things with the #wife

Training to be a Rev with the dear old CofE does take some time.  

First there is all that discernment to sort out whether God really is calling a person to the vocation of being a priest. 


In addition to discernment,(say 1 or 2 years), some Diocese also like you to have attended one of their 3 year courses - so add another year or 2.



The prospective priest then has the education bit for the theology degree - so thats another 3 years.  

Then there is the 1st training/apprentice placement as a Rev Curate or something similar for 3 or so years.  

And then its onto the 1st appointment as a vicar or team member or whatever.  

In traveling this path there is a lot of learning - about yourself, your faith and - of course - about theology.

I list all of this because one of the things I've noticed is how it affected my faith discussions with my wife as she traveled the path to be a Rev.  Before she started on the path above I like to think our discussions were between two people with an equal amount of faith experience and learning.

Now-a-days that plainly isn't the case - the other half is considerably more knowledgeable about such matters and in particular the various positions and arguments people take on them.  

So although we are still co-explorers she's way ahead of me.   

Another unexpected consequence of the wife becoming a Rev, (although I guess with a bit more thought at the start I should have seen this coming).

Going to #church together

Before my wife became a full time Rev we used to go to church together. Typically we'd journey to church together, walk into the church together, catch up with some people, choose a place to sit down together, sing the hymns and say the liturgy together, listen to the sermon together, end the service together, have a coffee and a chat, then go home ...... together.  

Well I guess you get the together point.   



Now-a-days in the village we live in the other half is sometimes up the front doing something.  Or often as not she is another of the other 4 churches she has care of also.  All of this means that I mostly sit on my own when I go to church.  

Now the congregation here are very friendly so I usually chat to somebody near me in the pews before and/or after the service.  But it isn't quite the same as being in church attending a service with your wife.  

The whole experience has made me far more aware of what its like coming into a church on your own and initially not knowing many people.  Its also meant that  - on the rare occasions when we can go to church together - its a bit of a treat.

Can we keep that #cardboard box - I might need it for #Goliath

There are of course many slightly weird things you'll have to get used to as a vicars husband.  With most of these peculiarities nobody gives you warning of what they are going to be.

So maybe in part this blog is about trying to share some of this "how it is going to be" heads up intelligence for husbands of Revs.

Your garage, or your loft, or a spare room in your house, (if you're lucky to have one), are going to get taken over.  With what? With materials and things that your beloved needs to store  - because potentially they might become something useful as a visual aid or activity in a future sermon they give or event they organise.

I'd imagine that the following types of items are quite typical in such stores up and down the country - inflatable world globes, giant foam jenga pieces, lightbulbs that turn on when you hold their base, lego pieces, lego people figures, playmobile people pieces and flattened (or not) cardboard boxes.

Why cardboard boxes I hear you cry - well in the words of my wife

"Can we keep that cardboard box - I might need it for Goliath"

Their Daily Office

When the other half started on her journey to be a Rev she was encouraged to do the daily office - so  effectively this means she goes through a morning prayer service on her own.

One of the practicalities of this is that when she gets up and showers one of the next things she does is her daily office.

So if I were to get up at the same time I'd be having breakfast on my own whilst she does the daily offiice in - appropriately - her office.
 
I guess we could do the daily office to gether - but I know this is something she would want to do - and for me it would feele as though I would somehow be intruding in something that is particular to her role as a priest.

Or of course I could clean some windows or do other clearing/cleaning around the house ... but instead of that the reality of what we do is as follows - she gets up and showers then does her daily office - I stay in bed listening to the radio - when I hear the sounds of her bashing aorund in the kitchen its a sign to me to get up so we can have breakfast together.

Taking a break after Christmas Day

In our first advent/christmas season with my wife as a priest the main difference for me has been an increase in what I need getting presents and preparing for the big day.  

For my wife there has been an increase in workload over the same season.  A fair bit of this is down to the long list of special church services and related events that only happen during advent and christimas.

So she's done various christmas fayres, school nativity plays, church nativity plays, christingle/carol/crib services, christmas dinners laid on for older/on their own folk plus the usual home visits and funerals.

By the time we got to Boxing Day she was ready for a break - plus its a good time for clergy to take a Sunday off, (clergy are only allowed to take so many Sundays off a year).  Fortunately we'd thought of that idea beforehand - and so managed to book a few days in small flat for 2 on the Norfolk coast - from which there are several great walks we could go on. 

So my top tip to husbands of newish Revs - if you can - book some time after advent and Boxing Day to go away and have some time away together enjoying walks and each others company.

Do Revs always get a cold sometime in December?

So here we are at the first christmas my wife has done as a Rev.  And it certainly is a very busy season for her.

Early in December she got quite a bad cold - and soldiered on through it.  Thankfully she has managed to get over it before this busy christmas week.

I'm told that its often typical for a Rev to get a cold during December - apparently its the combination of increased workload plus lots of school visits that increase their chances of catching something.

Clergy numbers being what they are now-a-days there normally isn't an option to retreat to bed to recover.  Few churches have the luxury of that sort of cover.  So I'm told most Revs with xmas colds just soldier on like my wife did.

Being in charge of the Christmas Lunch

For all of our marriage until now the other half had been in charge of the christmas dinner and I'd been on peeling, washing up and gravy making duties.  

But when my wife became a Rev the task of cooking the big meal fell into my lap (not literally).

Having got a briefing from her on tips and tricks I've decided to do as much of the preparation as possible on Christmas Eve.

With luck that will mean that on the day apart from cooking the meat and veg everything else will just be a warm up job.



Wish me luck!

Answering the phone

One of the things I've had to get used to when my wife became a Rev is that most phone calls to the house are now for her in her Rev role.  

At first I'd pick up a ringing phone if I was near one - but as it was almost always for her this either meant:

a) I had to take a message if she wasn't around;

OR

b) the caller would almost always - rather sweetly - engage in small talk with me before asking to speak to the Rev.

I soon learnt that to save time for myself and the caller the best approach is actually to let calls go to answerphone.  If it actually was somebody trying to get through to me I could always pick the call up as they left a message.

A mate of mine whose Dad was a dentist shared another "trick" to screen calls - family and friends are told to let the phone ring 3 times, then hang up, then call back straight away - the 3 rings then hang up approach basically alerts the household that a friend/family is about to ring.

I've also read advice that the answerphone message should (sadly) be in a man's voice as apparently this tends to discourage the more cranky messages and callers.

Crimbo #Decorations & Presents

So this is the first Christmas my wife has done as a Rev.  She tells me that her colleagues have said that christmas is also often a busy time for funerals.  (Something to do with the colder weather and people trying to hang on till christmas but not making it - apparently).

Add to that the various Christingles and Crib and Carol and so on services the other half is preparing for and her time is full up.  Which means she isn't going to have a lot of time to be involved in all the other round the home things that happen around christmas,

So I'm taking the lead on Christmas decorations, present buying and posting, card writing, turkey cooking and booze buying.