This Blog - a change to how often I post

I started this blog to share my experiences of being a Revs husband.  

I decided to do that because when I started as a RH I couldn't find much help or insight on the internet.  

For the last year or so I've blogged every week on a variety of subjects.

(as indicated by the thematic index below which has links to the various posts).

Over that time I think I've covered many of the main themes a vicar's spouse might wish to find some advice on.

So I know think its time to switch to posting as and when I come across experiences and situations I think would be of use for other husbands of Revs.  If you have any request for subjects to cover let me know via comments on this post.

THEMATIC INDEX OF PREVIOUS POSTS

BLOG - why I started it, 

CHURCH - after church, going to church together, how much do you get involved, remembering names, sermon bingo, parish weekend away 10 tips, what you don't know, 

FAMILY & HOUSE - christmas, christmas lunch, somebody else's decoration, answering the door, answering the phone, cooking & housework, easter, losing your lounge, only 3 years, maintenance, telling the family we're moving,  moving top 11 tips, the study/greeting room, tied housing, 

MONEY - charitable giving, what the church pay for, 

REVS HUSBAND - advice in books, advice any suggestions? advice to your wife - best given when asked for, your calling, talking about christian things with the wife, feedback to your wife, your own friends, gender stereotypes, your spiritual health, ideas to your wife, not having your own space, 

TIME OFF - post christmas break, weekday evenings, the day off, weekends, old & new friends, 

TRANSPORT - 2 cars, 

UNRELATED - Comms & digital media - 10 lessons from 7 years, Easter & Lent: various clips, Walking in Nepal 1, 2, 3, Pentecost: various clips, 

YOUR WIFE - colds in December, craft materials, daily office, their ordination, their shoes,  wedding couple chats, 

sermon bingo

If you Rev wife preaches at several churches you may often find yourself attending your local church whilst she plays away somewhere else.

And that means that you'll often get to see her colleagues lead a service and/or preach a sermon.

Which is where things can start to get tricky. 
You see its terribly difficult not to compare how your Rev wife's colleagues preside and preach with how your wife does.

To take your mind off such comparisons - during the sermon in particular - I humbly submit to you a form of church sermon bingo.  In this you're listening for certain key phrases or themes.

When you hear a phrase /theme from my "Sermon Bingo Phrase/Theme List" below then award the preacher a point.  You will have to use your judgement as to whether the phrase/theme is near enough to warrant the award of a point - but I encourage you to exercise flexibility on this.

Using this simple scoring system you can - over time - rate various preachers in terms of how many of the sermon bingo phrases they utter in one sermon or over a month of sermons.

Where to get #advice as a Rev's husband - any suggestions or topics?

One of the reasons I started thisblog was because when I searched the internet for advice on being a Rev's husband I didn't find a lot.

I did discover that using the words clergy, spouse and husband in a google search brings up an interesting array of articles about clergy straying from the straight and narrow with someone else's husband or wife.


So over the last 9 months or so I've tried to blog on my experiences as a Rev's husband in what I hope is a useful way. I've covered topics like moving house, what the diocese pays for, living in tied housing, deciding how much to get involved in your wife's church, advice in books, her day off, choosing shoes (no really!) , losing the weekend, your own spiritual development, answering the phone and going to church together.

If you've got some suggestions on topics you'd like me to cover do please let me know via a comment

Talking about #christian things with the #wife

Training to be a Rev with the dear old CofE does take some time.  

First there is all that discernment to sort out whether God really is calling a person to the vocation of being a priest. 


In addition to discernment,(say 1 or 2 years), some Diocese also like you to have attended one of their 3 year courses - so add another year or 2.



The prospective priest then has the education bit for the theology degree - so thats another 3 years.  

Then there is the 1st training/apprentice placement as a Rev Curate or something similar for 3 or so years.  

And then its onto the 1st appointment as a vicar or team member or whatever.  

In traveling this path there is a lot of learning - about yourself, your faith and - of course - about theology.

I list all of this because one of the things I've noticed is how it affected my faith discussions with my wife as she traveled the path to be a Rev.  Before she started on the path above I like to think our discussions were between two people with an equal amount of faith experience and learning.

Now-a-days that plainly isn't the case - the other half is considerably more knowledgeable about such matters and in particular the various positions and arguments people take on them.  

So although we are still co-explorers she's way ahead of me.   

Another unexpected consequence of the wife becoming a Rev, (although I guess with a bit more thought at the start I should have seen this coming).

Do Revs always get a cold sometime in December?

So here we are at the first christmas my wife has done as a Rev.  And it certainly is a very busy season for her.

Early in December she got quite a bad cold - and soldiered on through it.  Thankfully she has managed to get over it before this busy christmas week.

I'm told that its often typical for a Rev to get a cold during December - apparently its the combination of increased workload plus lots of school visits that increase their chances of catching something.

Clergy numbers being what they are now-a-days there normally isn't an option to retreat to bed to recover.  Few churches have the luxury of that sort of cover.  So I'm told most Revs with xmas colds just soldier on like my wife did.

There's usually something happening on #weekday #evenings

One of the things I've had to get used to as a husband of a Rev is the hours she works.

Her typical day often seems to have three shifts, morning, afternoon and evening.  

And although theoretically she ought to limit her hours to something that is sustainable, there always seems to be some special circumstance which means she breaks that discipline quite a lot.

Many weekdays she seems to be out at some sort of meeting in the evening.  Fairly obviously this is because people who are working can only get to weekday meetings in the evenings.  In my experience of doing this you'd get in from secular work, have a hurried snatch of a dinner, and then go out again for a church work meeting.

Working in an office in my secular work meant I was used to meetings. But what I often found hard was switching from secular work meeting mode to church work meeting mode. I would sometimes catch myself at a church meeting asking rather pointedly - "So what is the point you are making" OR "Interesting point- what evidence do you have to back that conclusion up? 

Often the behaviours in the secular and church meetings were surprisingly - and sadly - very similar.  Often both would exhibit the following characteristic ....

"Have you ever been in a meeting where a third into the allocated time everything that needed to be said had been - but not everyone had said it?"

Often as a Revs husband I'l have cooked her a quick dinner by 6 or 6.30pm so she can be on her way out 6.30/7pm ish for a meeting that starts 7 or 7.30 pm

Anyway, for us the practical impact of her often going to evening meetings has been to pull the time of our dinners forward a little compared to our working in London days (when we tended to have dinner around 8pm ish).  

Another practical impact is that I often get 7-9pm to myself in the house.

My advice would be to still try hard to have dinner together - I find its often one of the few times we sit down with each other during a day.

PS - if you've been admiring the picture with the models  - the clothing is from an Apple (yes of iphone fame) clothing line from 1986.

why i started this blog

In the last 5 years I think the Church of England has really improved its research. The chart above is one example.  Qualitative studies have been joined by quantitative research using robust statistical analysis.

I mention all of this because my wife is getting closer and closer to her ordination in the Church of England.  As she does I wanted to understand a bit more about her chosen vocation.  What do Revs do? What journeys have others taken to be a Rev?  You've probably already guessed that I've found the CofE research great in answering those questions.  

But when I looked for information on what it was like being a Rev's husband I found far less help and information.  The Diocese did organise an annual ordinand evening to which spouses were invited and at which I met others in similar situations to mine.  And the college my wife was theologically educated at did make an effort to arrange spouse events.  But of course the other blokes at such events were in the same boat as me - we could see a change coming but had little idea of what it meant.  I also found that quite a lot of the spouses there were either married to a Rev or viewed their partners calling as a joint calling.  As this wasn't the position I'm in it made some of the conversations less useful.

My wife and I live in the southern half of the UK.  Given that context I have found no studies on what it's like being a husband to a Rev.  My gut instinct is that the same is largely true for studies on being the wife of Rev.  And to be fair there are some narrative descriptions of being a Rev's wife from which I've got some useful insights.  

But there seem to be precious few modern descriptions of what it's like being a Rev's husband.  Particularly if you're not a Rev and have no calling to be one or anything like it.

Which is why I decided to start this blog.  

Looking ahead I hope to post weekly on my Rev's husband experiences.  With luck I'll be able to sustain a weekly post.  If I do then I'll cover my experiences as my wife becomes a curate and then later  - I hope - moves into a substantive post.

With a bit of luck over time the posts will create a modern narrative that might even help others moving towards being a Rev's husband.  

Some of what I share will be totally irrelevant to your experiences.  Hopefully some of it won't.  Maybe others will find the time to comment on the posts.  And if they do then that will help this blog share resources and stories useful to Rev's husbands.