Taking a break after Christmas Day

In our first advent/christmas season with my wife as a priest the main difference for me has been an increase in what I need getting presents and preparing for the big day.  

For my wife there has been an increase in workload over the same season.  A fair bit of this is down to the long list of special church services and related events that only happen during advent and christimas.

So she's done various christmas fayres, school nativity plays, church nativity plays, christingle/carol/crib services, christmas dinners laid on for older/on their own folk plus the usual home visits and funerals.

By the time we got to Boxing Day she was ready for a break - plus its a good time for clergy to take a Sunday off, (clergy are only allowed to take so many Sundays off a year).  Fortunately we'd thought of that idea beforehand - and so managed to book a few days in small flat for 2 on the Norfolk coast - from which there are several great walks we could go on. 

So my top tip to husbands of newish Revs - if you can - book some time after advent and Boxing Day to go away and have some time away together enjoying walks and each others company.

Do Revs always get a cold sometime in December?

So here we are at the first christmas my wife has done as a Rev.  And it certainly is a very busy season for her.

Early in December she got quite a bad cold - and soldiered on through it.  Thankfully she has managed to get over it before this busy christmas week.

I'm told that its often typical for a Rev to get a cold during December - apparently its the combination of increased workload plus lots of school visits that increase their chances of catching something.

Clergy numbers being what they are now-a-days there normally isn't an option to retreat to bed to recover.  Few churches have the luxury of that sort of cover.  So I'm told most Revs with xmas colds just soldier on like my wife did.

Being in charge of the Christmas Lunch

For all of our marriage until now the other half had been in charge of the christmas dinner and I'd been on peeling, washing up and gravy making duties.  

But when my wife became a Rev the task of cooking the big meal fell into my lap (not literally).

Having got a briefing from her on tips and tricks I've decided to do as much of the preparation as possible on Christmas Eve.

With luck that will mean that on the day apart from cooking the meat and veg everything else will just be a warm up job.



Wish me luck!

Answering the phone

One of the things I've had to get used to when my wife became a Rev is that most phone calls to the house are now for her in her Rev role.  

At first I'd pick up a ringing phone if I was near one - but as it was almost always for her this either meant:

a) I had to take a message if she wasn't around;

OR

b) the caller would almost always - rather sweetly - engage in small talk with me before asking to speak to the Rev.

I soon learnt that to save time for myself and the caller the best approach is actually to let calls go to answerphone.  If it actually was somebody trying to get through to me I could always pick the call up as they left a message.

A mate of mine whose Dad was a dentist shared another "trick" to screen calls - family and friends are told to let the phone ring 3 times, then hang up, then call back straight away - the 3 rings then hang up approach basically alerts the household that a friend/family is about to ring.

I've also read advice that the answerphone message should (sadly) be in a man's voice as apparently this tends to discourage the more cranky messages and callers.

Crimbo #Decorations & Presents

So this is the first Christmas my wife has done as a Rev.  She tells me that her colleagues have said that christmas is also often a busy time for funerals.  (Something to do with the colder weather and people trying to hang on till christmas but not making it - apparently).

Add to that the various Christingles and Crib and Carol and so on services the other half is preparing for and her time is full up.  Which means she isn't going to have a lot of time to be involved in all the other round the home things that happen around christmas,

So I'm taking the lead on Christmas decorations, present buying and posting, card writing, turkey cooking and booze buying.

Gender stereotypes

I suppose that for years the wives of clergy have had to put up with gender based assumptions about what they will do in the parish as the vicars wife.

So typically their input may have been sought for the Mothers Union, or a Ladies Group, or cake baking or repairing or making fabric furnishings used in church.

Even though there have been women priests since 1994 - and with the 2016 statistics showing 29% of ordained ministers being female  - 

I've found that there are far fewer assumptions about what I'll do in the parish as the husband of a Rev.  

Much like the wives of clergy I'd say that there still is a general assumption that you will play some role in the church other than just attending.  In reality in small churches this is often the case anyway  - because of all the various tasks that need to be done to hold a church service or maintain the building or support the wider community in some way.  (I'm told that in larger churches its far easier to just turn up and not be co-opted onto some task).

There are however some assumptions made based on my gender.  For instance its well known that all men are good at DIY.  Because of that it is assumed that I will do far more maintenance on the curate's house than I'm competent to do.

But even given that assumption I'm grateful that as a male other half of a Rev I have to deal with far fewer assumptions about what I'll do than a female other half would.  And there are small things you can do to counter some of the sexist assumptions female other halves face.  Even if you can't play a role at the church because of other commitments.  

So for example in our marriage when the other half became a Rev we switched to me doing the bulk of the cooking.  It was something I was able to do and it was needed given the 6 day a week morning, afternoon, evening shifts that Revs often have to work.  Indeed amongst men of a certain age it still appears to be something of a revelation that a man would do most of the cooking at home.

What to do after #church

During  her curacy we are fortunate that my wife tends to take or lead services mostly at one of the areas churches.  And if possible I go along to theses services.  

Of course she leaves home earlier than me as its always busy with people coming up to catch her.  This tends to be people involved in the service, in some way - sidespeople, readers, those saying the prayers and other Revs - or other officials in the church.  And often she will need to position her various visual or physical aids she is using to help illustrate her sermon or talk.



In many ways this is little different from what it was like before she was a Rev, largely because she and I were quite active in our previous church.  

What is different is the amount of her time that is taken up after the church service. Loads of people seem to want to have a word - about something coming up in the next week or just wanting to catch up with her.  And equally there are often several people she needs to talk to.  

Unless she is going on to do something else after church I like to wait for her so we can walk home together.  As one of the Revs she is often one of the last to leave the building.  Which means as the other half I end up hanging around at the very end.   

As company I have church wardens and sidespeople and coffee rota people - most busy clearing up or getting ready for the next service.  And nice as they all are there is only so much light conversation you can have with them, especially if they are busy doing things.

I could just shoot off home after the service but the walk home with the other half is a good chance for a bit of a chat which I'd rather not miss.    So  I wait till the missus is ready to go.  I help those clearing up or stacking chairs.  And I wait.

So my top tip is to take a kindle or book with you to church - so if you have time to kill you can at least read that. 

Looking to your own #spiritual development/health

When the other half started full time Rev'g as a curate what came with that for her were regular development sessions with her training incumbent, diocese organised courses and learning through her own preparation for sermons and various others on the job experiences.

She is also actively encouraged to go on retreat regularly and to meet regularly with a spiritual director. 



For my own spiritual development so far I've tended to follow various christian blogs and attend a couple of 1 day events a year.  But this didn't leave me feeling as though that was enough.  And then it occurred to me that my role as the vicars other half was maybe the practical spiritual education and development experience I ought to make the most of.  

Running with that thought its struck me that the reality of being the other half has a number of experiences to ponder as spiritual lessons - particularly in terms of observing my own reactions and emotions when faced with:

1) Being introduced as the husband of xxx - your identity being through the wife's role;

2) People talking to you to get a message to your other half;

3) Observing the wife as she inhabits a role of authority in a community - and the effects of that in terms of her views being challenged;

4) Going along to the wife's work social events where the other Revs are all sharing Vicaring war stories and you act as a listener rather than a story teller;

5) Seeing the pressure that often goes with her job and the effect that has on your and her interactions.

I've only just started thinking about these experiences and the spiritual lessons they afford.

a bit of a departure - walking in #Nepal - part 3

On Monday we had two long ascents followed by two long descents to get us to Chomrrong, From there the trail climbed to a spur ridge overlooking Jhinu Danda (1,780m). 

Entering Kimrong Khola valley the trail actually evened out for a while and the walking was easy. (Compared to the rest of the walking which seemed to be exclusively up or down but never even.).

We then got to the junction with the route from Ghorepani - just beyond the village of Kimrong (1,780m).  After a series of short, steep switchbacks we were in open rock-strewn fields on the way to the 'Gurung' village of Ghandruk (1,940m).  This village has apparently grown large and prosperous thanks to the pensions of retired Gurkha soldiers.  


We arrived just before the sun set - and although the village did look prosperous - it was also the first place on our trek where we encountered alcoholics deep in a drunken stupor.

That night we celebrated our trek with a meal.  After the guides taught us what seemed to be a traditional dance. Our response was to teach them the actions and words of the Okey Cokey - something that they seemed to enjoy!

On Tuesday the trail descended gradually and then more steeply as we came down to the valley floor and its river.  Eventually we got to Nayapul where we rejoined our road transport to return to our hotel in Pokhara. 

On Wednesday we drove to Pokhara airport and flew back to Kathmandu.

Thursday and Friday were free days in Kathmandu and the surrounding area.  

Our treking party consisted of all ages - from teenagers to early 60's.  When some of us were gathered in a square in Kathmandu - waiting for our bus - some child beggars came up to the group.  



The "adults" amongst us ignored them - thinking that in all probability they were begging for someone a minder.  

Two of the teenage girls in the party had a more human response.

They wept.

Which shamed those of us who were older.  Sometimes youth can teach the old.

On Saturday we got our flight back to Doha and then from there caught a flight back to London.

a bit of a departure - walking in #Nepal - part 2

On Monday we were driven from Pokhara to the start of our trek at Nayapul  with some gentle uphill walking passing a suspension bridge in Tikedhunga and shortly after arriving at our overnight stop at Ulleri (1,960m).

On Tuesday our walking was far more up and down hills and stairways to get to Ghorepani  (2,750m).  On the way there we got our first view of Annapurna South. 

Over this week its amazing how much I have learnt about walking up and down tracks and stairs.  Put simply you quickly learn where the best place is to put your feet to get the maximum grip and to minimise the effort you need to put in.



On Wednesday we got up pre-dawn for a vigorous hike up to the top of Poon Hill for sunrise over Dhaulagiri and the Annapurna Range.  

After returning to our tea-house for breakfast, our hike followed a ridge for a while before a steep descent and then a final upward climb to Tadapani (2,590m).  Each day our porters would set off before us with 3 or 4 of our main bags on each of their backs.  In the mornings and evenings they'd prepare food for us and at midday we'd stop at one of the many trek side "tea" stations.

On Thursday we continued going down steeply and then climbed the opposite side of the valley we then entered the larger Modi Khola valley which leads up to the Annapurna Sanctuary. A short distance further up that valley we arrived at Chhomrong. 

On Friday we descended again to cross the Chommro Khola, then climbed up into the Modi Khola valley and up to the main ridge high above the river. 

On this day we were walking near a village at the time that school ended.  As we laboured up the steps on the trek with our light rusksacks and special walking boots small infants would go racing past us with only flip fops on their feet. Kinda made you a bit humble.

Following more walking up steep hills we reached the village of reach the village of Sinuwa (2,340m) and followed the valley climbing steadily uphill to Doban (2505m) and then onto our overnight destination, Himalayan. 




One of the customs I really liked on the trek was that of saying "Namaste"to others you met on the trek as you passed them.  As you say "Namaste" you make a slight bow with your hands pressed together, palms touching and fingers pointing upwards, thumbs close to the chest. I was told that in Hinduism it means "I bow to the divine in you" which seems a wonderful tradition to me.

On Saturday we had a shorter climb slowly gaining altitude going through Deurali (3,170m) and Hinko (3,100m) to reach the narrow entrance-way into the Annapurna Sanctuary and onto Machhapuchare Base Camp at 3,700m.  

On Sunday we rose early before dawn to trek up to Annapurna Base Camp (4,100m)

and then descended along the trail to Doban we retraced our route as far as Bamboo.