No need for you to do house maintenance - theoretically

When I moved with my other half to the market town she has her curacy at she got a curates house provided as part of the job.

This is a pretty good perk when you consider how much more one of us would need to earn pre-tax to afford the £1400 or so rent on the curates house - (a detached 1980/90's ish building with 3 bedrooms.)_

As it happens the parish - rather than the diocese - owns the curates house and so are responsible for its maintenance.

And they've been very good at that.  I think the previous curates husband was a good DIYer - so fixed quite a lot of stuff himself for the parish.  I'm not any good at DIY so once the parish knew that  - they have got tradespeople in promptly to fix things as and when necessary.

Chatting with some other husbands of Revs I gather once your other half gets her 1st vicar job the Diocese people can be quite slow on fixing things that aren't essential.  So for example - one story I heard about the diocese is that they got somebody in within a week to fix a water heating problem.  Inconvenient  - going a couple a week without hot water but manageable. 

However when asked to fix a bathroom door without a lock they were much slower - as in they still haven't fixed it 18 months later.  Obviously a lack of a bathroom lock isn't an urgent thing - but for a family with teenage daughters it is something that the teenagers won't like.

So I've been getting some advice on what to do when your other half gets their 1st vicar job.  Apparently the important thing to do is to do a walk round with the Diocese property people and somebody like an Archdeacon to list any defects that need sorting - and then to confirm that list to both individuals and whoever you report to.

This approach may not get the defects fixed - but at least it will document what needs sorting.  And if you can afford it you'll need to be prepared to fix (or pay to get somebody to fix) defects that the diocese are unlikely to be in a hurry to address.

sermon bingo

If you Rev wife preaches at several churches you may often find yourself attending your local church whilst she plays away somewhere else.

And that means that you'll often get to see her colleagues lead a service and/or preach a sermon.

Which is where things can start to get tricky. 
You see its terribly difficult not to compare how your Rev wife's colleagues preside and preach with how your wife does.

To take your mind off such comparisons - during the sermon in particular - I humbly submit to you a form of church sermon bingo.  In this you're listening for certain key phrases or themes.

When you hear a phrase /theme from my "Sermon Bingo Phrase/Theme List" below then award the preacher a point.  You will have to use your judgement as to whether the phrase/theme is near enough to warrant the award of a point - but I encourage you to exercise flexibility on this.

Using this simple scoring system you can - over time - rate various preachers in terms of how many of the sermon bingo phrases they utter in one sermon or over a month of sermons.

#Social & #Digital Media & #Communications and the #church - 10 lessons from 7 years

For the last 7 years or so I have helped various churches with their webpage and social media accounts.

And during her current curacy I've helped my wife's church set up a facebook page and twitter account.

Given those experiences I'd say there are a number of lessons I've learnt.


The language I use in the 10 lessons below is mostly in negative rather than positive language.  This simply reflects my experience  - and of course perceptions of that also - over the last 7 years.  (I'm hoping the next 7 years experience will be more positive). 

The slides I have inserted below are from a presentation by @AdrianHarris (Head of Digital Communications - The Church of England) on Digital Evangelism given to the February 2018 General Synod.

I'm also hoping that in using such language it will help others be realistic about the challenges of helping churches adopt social media and digital communications.  Indeed I hope that by describing some of the pitfalls they'll be forewarned about the obstacles you might face.

1) If church leaders don't want to improve their digital presence they probably won't - even after a presentation you might give on the tremendous reach of social media via smartphones. Indeed I've often found that in a church the major opponents to taking a church into digital media don't use social media  - and bring with them popular misconceptions about its dangers.

2) If church leaders pay little attention to communications then that won't suddenly change -  even if they agree to you setting up some social media accounts for them.  Indeed I've often found that church leaders can't clearly state what audiences they are trying to reach with what messages via what channels - because they just don't prioritise thinking about communications that way.

3) Often you'll only find out about an event coming up when the publicity comes out - not before.  Indeed I've found that even then you have to chase the source of the publicity for pictures or text to use in digital media.  Often this indicates a lack of planning ahead and/or the absence of a "diary" that logs all planned future events - in such cases the weekly notices in effect become the only place things are brought together.

4) If event organisers don't usually nominate somebody to take photos at their events - then they still won't.  Indeed I've often found that the organisers seem to think photo taking is what digital communicators are there to do - even if the event isn't something they'd usually go to.

5) Its really important you get absolute clarity about what permissions are required before pictures of children or adults can be used - but you'll often find it difficult to get that clarity.  Indeed I've found - in the CofE - that the rules within a Diocese can contradict themselves and that different Diocese have different rules.  Often I'll revert to taking pictures of things not people to avoid the whole issue.

6) People who don't "get" digital media will often refer to the digital using pejorative terms like "virtual" or "unreal". Indeed they will characterise what people do in the digital as not serious, playing around, wasting time or not paying attention.  Thus if I take notes during a sermon on paper I'm serious whereas if I do the same on a smartphone I'm distracted.  That's why I prefer language like physical or digital.

7) You'll need to be self-motivated if you want to help the church embrace the digital  - don't assume your time and efforts will be understood or recognised. 

8) People who like planning ahead will and those who don't won't - neither is always the right or wrong approach. Indeed you may need to gently point this out to people who aren't self aware enough to realise they default to describing their preferred approach as always right.

9) Some of you will be comfortable organising digital communications with little preparation time - and some of you won't.  Know what your preferred approach is.  Say no firmly but respectfully to leaders who try to get you to do something you're not comfortable doing.  But in doing so do explain why you can't help them using language about your abilities and skills rather than using language about their approach to planning or spontaneity.

10) From the start work on offering volunteers opportunities to help your digital communications in time limited, flexible, small bite sized pieces.  Indeed with a bit of thought you can often ID events that allow a volunteer to draft some communications on a quarterly basis.

Where to get #advice as a Rev's husband - any suggestions or topics?

One of the reasons I started thisblog was because when I searched the internet for advice on being a Rev's husband I didn't find a lot.

I did discover that using the words clergy, spouse and husband in a google search brings up an interesting array of articles about clergy straying from the straight and narrow with someone else's husband or wife.


So over the last 9 months or so I've tried to blog on my experiences as a Rev's husband in what I hope is a useful way. I've covered topics like moving house, what the diocese pays for, living in tied housing, deciding how much to get involved in your wife's church, advice in books, her day off, choosing shoes (no really!) , losing the weekend, your own spiritual development, answering the phone and going to church together.

If you've got some suggestions on topics you'd like me to cover do please let me know via a comment

Talking about #christian things with the #wife

Training to be a Rev with the dear old CofE does take some time.  

First there is all that discernment to sort out whether God really is calling a person to the vocation of being a priest. 


In addition to discernment,(say 1 or 2 years), some Diocese also like you to have attended one of their 3 year courses - so add another year or 2.



The prospective priest then has the education bit for the theology degree - so thats another 3 years.  

Then there is the 1st training/apprentice placement as a Rev Curate or something similar for 3 or so years.  

And then its onto the 1st appointment as a vicar or team member or whatever.  

In traveling this path there is a lot of learning - about yourself, your faith and - of course - about theology.

I list all of this because one of the things I've noticed is how it affected my faith discussions with my wife as she traveled the path to be a Rev.  Before she started on the path above I like to think our discussions were between two people with an equal amount of faith experience and learning.

Now-a-days that plainly isn't the case - the other half is considerably more knowledgeable about such matters and in particular the various positions and arguments people take on them.  

So although we are still co-explorers she's way ahead of me.   

Another unexpected consequence of the wife becoming a Rev, (although I guess with a bit more thought at the start I should have seen this coming).

Going to #church together

Before my wife became a full time Rev we used to go to church together. Typically we'd journey to church together, walk into the church together, catch up with some people, choose a place to sit down together, sing the hymns and say the liturgy together, listen to the sermon together, end the service together, have a coffee and a chat, then go home ...... together.  

Well I guess you get the together point.   



Now-a-days in the village we live in the other half is sometimes up the front doing something.  Or often as not she is another of the other 4 churches she has care of also.  All of this means that I mostly sit on my own when I go to church.  

Now the congregation here are very friendly so I usually chat to somebody near me in the pews before and/or after the service.  But it isn't quite the same as being in church attending a service with your wife.  

The whole experience has made me far more aware of what its like coming into a church on your own and initially not knowing many people.  Its also meant that  - on the rare occasions when we can go to church together - its a bit of a treat.

Can we keep that #cardboard box - I might need it for #Goliath

There are of course many slightly weird things you'll have to get used to as a vicars husband.  With most of these peculiarities nobody gives you warning of what they are going to be.

So maybe in part this blog is about trying to share some of this "how it is going to be" heads up intelligence for husbands of Revs.

Your garage, or your loft, or a spare room in your house, (if you're lucky to have one), are going to get taken over.  With what? With materials and things that your beloved needs to store  - because potentially they might become something useful as a visual aid or activity in a future sermon they give or event they organise.

I'd imagine that the following types of items are quite typical in such stores up and down the country - inflatable world globes, giant foam jenga pieces, lightbulbs that turn on when you hold their base, lego pieces, lego people figures, playmobile people pieces and flattened (or not) cardboard boxes.

Why cardboard boxes I hear you cry - well in the words of my wife

"Can we keep that cardboard box - I might need it for Goliath"

Their Daily Office

When the other half started on her journey to be a Rev she was encouraged to do the daily office - so  effectively this means she goes through a morning prayer service on her own.

One of the practicalities of this is that when she gets up and showers one of the next things she does is her daily office.

So if I were to get up at the same time I'd be having breakfast on my own whilst she does the daily offiice in - appropriately - her office.
 
I guess we could do the daily office to gether - but I know this is something she would want to do - and for me it would feele as though I would somehow be intruding in something that is particular to her role as a priest.

Or of course I could clean some windows or do other clearing/cleaning around the house ... but instead of that the reality of what we do is as follows - she gets up and showers then does her daily office - I stay in bed listening to the radio - when I hear the sounds of her bashing aorund in the kitchen its a sign to me to get up so we can have breakfast together.

Taking a break after Christmas Day

In our first advent/christmas season with my wife as a priest the main difference for me has been an increase in what I need getting presents and preparing for the big day.  

For my wife there has been an increase in workload over the same season.  A fair bit of this is down to the long list of special church services and related events that only happen during advent and christimas.

So she's done various christmas fayres, school nativity plays, church nativity plays, christingle/carol/crib services, christmas dinners laid on for older/on their own folk plus the usual home visits and funerals.

By the time we got to Boxing Day she was ready for a break - plus its a good time for clergy to take a Sunday off, (clergy are only allowed to take so many Sundays off a year).  Fortunately we'd thought of that idea beforehand - and so managed to book a few days in small flat for 2 on the Norfolk coast - from which there are several great walks we could go on. 

So my top tip to husbands of newish Revs - if you can - book some time after advent and Boxing Day to go away and have some time away together enjoying walks and each others company.

Do Revs always get a cold sometime in December?

So here we are at the first christmas my wife has done as a Rev.  And it certainly is a very busy season for her.

Early in December she got quite a bad cold - and soldiered on through it.  Thankfully she has managed to get over it before this busy christmas week.

I'm told that its often typical for a Rev to get a cold during December - apparently its the combination of increased workload plus lots of school visits that increase their chances of catching something.

Clergy numbers being what they are now-a-days there normally isn't an option to retreat to bed to recover.  Few churches have the luxury of that sort of cover.  So I'm told most Revs with xmas colds just soldier on like my wife did.