Taking a break after Christmas Day

In our first advent/christmas season with my wife as a priest the main difference for me has been an increase in what I need getting presents and preparing for the big day.  

For my wife there has been an increase in workload over the same season.  A fair bit of this is down to the long list of special church services and related events that only happen during advent and christimas.

So she's done various christmas fayres, school nativity plays, church nativity plays, christingle/carol/crib services, christmas dinners laid on for older/on their own folk plus the usual home visits and funerals.

By the time we got to Boxing Day she was ready for a break - plus its a good time for clergy to take a Sunday off, (clergy are only allowed to take so many Sundays off a year).  Fortunately we'd thought of that idea beforehand - and so managed to book a few days in small flat for 2 on the Norfolk coast - from which there are several great walks we could go on. 

So my top tip to husbands of newish Revs - if you can - book some time after advent and Boxing Day to go away and have some time away together enjoying walks and each others company.

Do Revs always get a cold sometime in December?

So here we are at the first christmas my wife has done as a Rev.  And it certainly is a very busy season for her.

Early in December she got quite a bad cold - and soldiered on through it.  Thankfully she has managed to get over it before this busy christmas week.

I'm told that its often typical for a Rev to get a cold during December - apparently its the combination of increased workload plus lots of school visits that increase their chances of catching something.

Clergy numbers being what they are now-a-days there normally isn't an option to retreat to bed to recover.  Few churches have the luxury of that sort of cover.  So I'm told most Revs with xmas colds just soldier on like my wife did.

Being in charge of the Christmas Lunch

For all of our marriage until now the other half had been in charge of the christmas dinner and I'd been on peeling, washing up and gravy making duties.  

But when my wife became a Rev the task of cooking the big meal fell into my lap (not literally).

Having got a briefing from her on tips and tricks I've decided to do as much of the preparation as possible on Christmas Eve.

With luck that will mean that on the day apart from cooking the meat and veg everything else will just be a warm up job.



Wish me luck!

Answering the phone

One of the things I've had to get used to when my wife became a Rev is that most phone calls to the house are now for her in her Rev role.  

At first I'd pick up a ringing phone if I was near one - but as it was almost always for her this either meant:

a) I had to take a message if she wasn't around;

OR

b) the caller would almost always - rather sweetly - engage in small talk with me before asking to speak to the Rev.

I soon learnt that to save time for myself and the caller the best approach is actually to let calls go to answerphone.  If it actually was somebody trying to get through to me I could always pick the call up as they left a message.

A mate of mine whose Dad was a dentist shared another "trick" to screen calls - family and friends are told to let the phone ring 3 times, then hang up, then call back straight away - the 3 rings then hang up approach basically alerts the household that a friend/family is about to ring.

I've also read advice that the answerphone message should (sadly) be in a man's voice as apparently this tends to discourage the more cranky messages and callers.

Crimbo #Decorations & Presents

So this is the first Christmas my wife has done as a Rev.  She tells me that her colleagues have said that christmas is also often a busy time for funerals.  (Something to do with the colder weather and people trying to hang on till christmas but not making it - apparently).

Add to that the various Christingles and Crib and Carol and so on services the other half is preparing for and her time is full up.  Which means she isn't going to have a lot of time to be involved in all the other round the home things that happen around christmas,

So I'm taking the lead on Christmas decorations, present buying and posting, card writing, turkey cooking and booze buying.

Gender stereotypes

I suppose that for years the wives of clergy have had to put up with gender based assumptions about what they will do in the parish as the vicars wife.

So typically their input may have been sought for the Mothers Union, or a Ladies Group, or cake baking or repairing or making fabric furnishings used in church.

Even though there have been women priests since 1994 - and with the 2016 statistics showing 29% of ordained ministers being female  - 

I've found that there are far fewer assumptions about what I'll do in the parish as the husband of a Rev.  

Much like the wives of clergy I'd say that there still is a general assumption that you will play some role in the church other than just attending.  In reality in small churches this is often the case anyway  - because of all the various tasks that need to be done to hold a church service or maintain the building or support the wider community in some way.  (I'm told that in larger churches its far easier to just turn up and not be co-opted onto some task).

There are however some assumptions made based on my gender.  For instance its well known that all men are good at DIY.  Because of that it is assumed that I will do far more maintenance on the curate's house than I'm competent to do.

But even given that assumption I'm grateful that as a male other half of a Rev I have to deal with far fewer assumptions about what I'll do than a female other half would.  And there are small things you can do to counter some of the sexist assumptions female other halves face.  Even if you can't play a role at the church because of other commitments.  

So for example in our marriage when the other half became a Rev we switched to me doing the bulk of the cooking.  It was something I was able to do and it was needed given the 6 day a week morning, afternoon, evening shifts that Revs often have to work.  Indeed amongst men of a certain age it still appears to be something of a revelation that a man would do most of the cooking at home.

What to do after #church

During  her curacy we are fortunate that my wife tends to take or lead services mostly at one of the areas churches.  And if possible I go along to theses services.  

Of course she leaves home earlier than me as its always busy with people coming up to catch her.  This tends to be people involved in the service, in some way - sidespeople, readers, those saying the prayers and other Revs - or other officials in the church.  And often she will need to position her various visual or physical aids she is using to help illustrate her sermon or talk.



In many ways this is little different from what it was like before she was a Rev, largely because she and I were quite active in our previous church.  

What is different is the amount of her time that is taken up after the church service. Loads of people seem to want to have a word - about something coming up in the next week or just wanting to catch up with her.  And equally there are often several people she needs to talk to.  

Unless she is going on to do something else after church I like to wait for her so we can walk home together.  As one of the Revs she is often one of the last to leave the building.  Which means as the other half I end up hanging around at the very end.   

As company I have church wardens and sidespeople and coffee rota people - most busy clearing up or getting ready for the next service.  And nice as they all are there is only so much light conversation you can have with them, especially if they are busy doing things.

I could just shoot off home after the service but the walk home with the other half is a good chance for a bit of a chat which I'd rather not miss.    So  I wait till the missus is ready to go.  I help those clearing up or stacking chairs.  And I wait.

So my top tip is to take a kindle or book with you to church - so if you have time to kill you can at least read that. 

Looking to your own #spiritual development/health

When the other half started full time Rev'g as a curate what came with that for her were regular development sessions with her training incumbent, diocese organised courses and learning through her own preparation for sermons and various others on the job experiences.

She is also actively encouraged to go on retreat regularly and to meet regularly with a spiritual director. 



For my own spiritual development so far I've tended to follow various christian blogs and attend a couple of 1 day events a year.  But this didn't leave me feeling as though that was enough.  And then it occurred to me that my role as the vicars other half was maybe the practical spiritual education and development experience I ought to make the most of.  

Running with that thought its struck me that the reality of being the other half has a number of experiences to ponder as spiritual lessons - particularly in terms of observing my own reactions and emotions when faced with:

1) Being introduced as the husband of xxx - your identity being through the wife's role;

2) People talking to you to get a message to your other half;

3) Observing the wife as she inhabits a role of authority in a community - and the effects of that in terms of her views being challenged;

4) Going along to the wife's work social events where the other Revs are all sharing Vicaring war stories and you act as a listener rather than a story teller;

5) Seeing the pressure that often goes with her job and the effect that has on your and her interactions.

I've only just started thinking about these experiences and the spiritual lessons they afford.

a bit of a departure - walking in #Nepal - part 3

On Monday we had two long ascents followed by two long descents to get us to Chomrrong, From there the trail climbed to a spur ridge overlooking Jhinu Danda (1,780m). 

Entering Kimrong Khola valley the trail actually evened out for a while and the walking was easy. (Compared to the rest of the walking which seemed to be exclusively up or down but never even.).

We then got to the junction with the route from Ghorepani - just beyond the village of Kimrong (1,780m).  After a series of short, steep switchbacks we were in open rock-strewn fields on the way to the 'Gurung' village of Ghandruk (1,940m).  This village has apparently grown large and prosperous thanks to the pensions of retired Gurkha soldiers.  


We arrived just before the sun set - and although the village did look prosperous - it was also the first place on our trek where we encountered alcoholics deep in a drunken stupor.

That night we celebrated our trek with a meal.  After the guides taught us what seemed to be a traditional dance. Our response was to teach them the actions and words of the Okey Cokey - something that they seemed to enjoy!

On Tuesday the trail descended gradually and then more steeply as we came down to the valley floor and its river.  Eventually we got to Nayapul where we rejoined our road transport to return to our hotel in Pokhara. 

On Wednesday we drove to Pokhara airport and flew back to Kathmandu.

Thursday and Friday were free days in Kathmandu and the surrounding area.  

Our treking party consisted of all ages - from teenagers to early 60's.  When some of us were gathered in a square in Kathmandu - waiting for our bus - some child beggars came up to the group.  



The "adults" amongst us ignored them - thinking that in all probability they were begging for someone a minder.  

Two of the teenage girls in the party had a more human response.

They wept.

Which shamed those of us who were older.  Sometimes youth can teach the old.

On Saturday we got our flight back to Doha and then from there caught a flight back to London.

a bit of a departure - walking in #Nepal - part 2

On Monday we were driven from Pokhara to the start of our trek at Nayapul  with some gentle uphill walking passing a suspension bridge in Tikedhunga and shortly after arriving at our overnight stop at Ulleri (1,960m).

On Tuesday our walking was far more up and down hills and stairways to get to Ghorepani  (2,750m).  On the way there we got our first view of Annapurna South. 

Over this week its amazing how much I have learnt about walking up and down tracks and stairs.  Put simply you quickly learn where the best place is to put your feet to get the maximum grip and to minimise the effort you need to put in.



On Wednesday we got up pre-dawn for a vigorous hike up to the top of Poon Hill for sunrise over Dhaulagiri and the Annapurna Range.  

After returning to our tea-house for breakfast, our hike followed a ridge for a while before a steep descent and then a final upward climb to Tadapani (2,590m).  Each day our porters would set off before us with 3 or 4 of our main bags on each of their backs.  In the mornings and evenings they'd prepare food for us and at midday we'd stop at one of the many trek side "tea" stations.

On Thursday we continued going down steeply and then climbed the opposite side of the valley we then entered the larger Modi Khola valley which leads up to the Annapurna Sanctuary. A short distance further up that valley we arrived at Chhomrong. 

On Friday we descended again to cross the Chommro Khola, then climbed up into the Modi Khola valley and up to the main ridge high above the river. 

On this day we were walking near a village at the time that school ended.  As we laboured up the steps on the trek with our light rusksacks and special walking boots small infants would go racing past us with only flip fops on their feet. Kinda made you a bit humble.

Following more walking up steep hills we reached the village of reach the village of Sinuwa (2,340m) and followed the valley climbing steadily uphill to Doban (2505m) and then onto our overnight destination, Himalayan. 




One of the customs I really liked on the trek was that of saying "Namaste"to others you met on the trek as you passed them.  As you say "Namaste" you make a slight bow with your hands pressed together, palms touching and fingers pointing upwards, thumbs close to the chest. I was told that in Hinduism it means "I bow to the divine in you" which seems a wonderful tradition to me.

On Saturday we had a shorter climb slowly gaining altitude going through Deurali (3,170m) and Hinko (3,100m) to reach the narrow entrance-way into the Annapurna Sanctuary and onto Machhapuchare Base Camp at 3,700m.  

On Sunday we rose early before dawn to trek up to Annapurna Base Camp (4,100m)

and then descended along the trail to Doban we retraced our route as far as Bamboo.

a bit of a departure - walking in #Nepal - part 1

In a bit of a departure from my usual posts about being a Rev's husband I'm sharing some posts whilst I'm away walking in Nepal.

Fortunately in our local church we have somebody who has several contacts in Nepal and they have organised a trip for 30 or so people to walk there.

Several others have pitched in to help with the administration and this has meant some great guidance and organisation on issues like immunisations, altitude sickness pills, insurance, flights, visas and organising guides and porters.

In summary the trip will be 15 days away with 3 days of so travelling at the start and finish and the rest walking in the Annapurna Sanctuary up to and down from the base camp at 4,130m under the south face of Annapurna.  Apparently it isn't a particularly difficult trek although there are some steep climbs and a few narrow bridges.

Last Friday afternoon as a party we got a coach to Heathrow to catch our flight to Kathmandu - with a stop over in AbuDhabi  - arriving Kathmandu late afternoon on Saturday and then transferring to a hotel.

The flights went fine and at the AbuDhabi stop over I had the wonderful experience of witnessing an arab gentleman in full traditional garb walking through the airport with a hooded hawk on his arm.  On the second flight they seemed very keen to serve us complimentary hard liquor.  Arriving at Kathmandu airport there is an entry slip you fill in with details of your already obtained tourist entry visa - and then in was onto a bus for transfer to our hotel and a group meal in the evening.

On sunday we all got onto another bus for a 6 hour ride to Pokhara 

the #parish weekend away - 10 tips

The parish we are in where my wife is a curate very fortunately invited us to their weekend away before my other half started in her curate post.  Here are 10 tips for using such an opportunity well - if you're lucky enough to get one. 

1) get used to being introduced as "xxx's husband" - and have ready a potted summary of what you do, your family etc. etc. (as you will be asked these type of questions a lot) 

2) get good at asking the right questions - so you can learn and remember some key things about each person you're introduced to

3) split up from your spouse and join different groups/sit at different tables - that way you double between you how many people you and your other half can meet

4) work out a way to remember names and faces and info - for the weekend we attended all attendees were provided with a list of who was at the weekend.  This was very useful as the other half and I got into the habit of taking a quick break after each meal on the weekend to share info on who we had each met and who between us we hadn't met

5) sharing info - in comparing notes on who we had met we fairly quickly ran into the issue of what info others have given one of you that you should not share with the other half.  We decided that we'd rely on each others judgement about what sensitive info we should not share with each other (sensitive ='s stuff somebody would reasonably assume you wouldn't share with others)

6) take some photos of the group when it is together  - (e.g. mealtimes)  - especially if there isn't a planned group photo - this can be very useful in keeping a record you can use to remember who is who.

7) if you meet any retired clergy spouses ask them for their top tip - you might not get an immediate answer, but they'll probably come and find you later to give you some advice.

8) if you're the more noisy confident one - then you may want to throttle it back a bit when you are meeting people with your other half.

9) don't start volunteering for stuff - I told people I intended to not do so for at least the 1st 3 months so I could get a feel for where i might be most useful in the new church.

10) if there isn't a weekend away - then see if there is some sort of other church event you could attend to make some basic introductions with the "keen" ones so when you pitch up there are some people you know.

Where did my #weekend go?

One of the many things they don't tell you about - as the spouse of a clergy - is how your weekends are changed forever by the character of you partners Rev role.

I'm still trying to work out how to deal with our changed weekends.   

Before my wife became a Rev my weekends used to be about having some down time with the children and wife and maybe even indulging a little in food and wine.

But now the other half is a full time Rev I've found that weekends are often her busiest 2 days.  

I had thought that we'd just adjust so we would use the weekday she does have off as our weekend. But in practice that doesn't quite work.  Partly because its only one day - a Monday in her case - and partly because whilst the wife's weekend changes are reinforced by her Rev role I don't have the same unstoppable impetus forcing me to change. 

As her day off is a school day the children aren't around during the day so any family time together is late afternoon or the evening.  And what with the amount of homework schools give out now, plus the practice of teenagers multi-screening (laptop, TV, smartphone) our family together time is mainly our evening meal together.

If anybody has any tips on this whole the weekend isn't any more conundrum please pitch in with how you approach it.

keeping in touch with old #friends and making new ones

When my wife first started exploring whether she was being called to be a priest we'd lived in a village for about 12 years. Having moved there from a south London suburb we'd enjoyed the more friendly atmosphere villages often generate. And with a school and church in the village we quickly made contact with others - particularly with those who had children of a similar age. Over time those contacts became good friends - as our children went through school and life events together. So when we moved out o the village to the place my other half  was going to be a curate we wondered how well we'd manage to keep in touch with our old friends in the previous village.    Of course social media has helped a bit on this - as it does with keeping contact with others who are abroad. And as we're only an hour or so drive from our previous village its not to hard to drive over. So what we've found works best is arranging to meet every 4 months or so at a pub midway between us and our old village for a lunch, some drink and a natter. I know my wife has also found it helpful to keep in contact with old friends who knew here before she started putting a collar on the wrong way.  They have a certain distance from her day to day experiences now which - I think - is helpful. And although we have made friends in the community where she is doing her curacy - that friendship is different in its characteristics. Partly - and obviously - because the length of the friendships with those she has met as a curate is shorter. But also because its a different type of friendship - akin in a way I think to the type of friendship you might have with work colleagues.

#Discerning what your #calling is

When my wife was doing her theological degree the college she was at - St Mellitus - used to organise a daytime event for spouses to share their experiences and get a bit of input. 

I went on one of these and it was interesting to see the different approaches spouses took to their other halves doing vicar training - and to think about the pros and cons of each approach -below is a summary of the types.

1) Clergy couples - By that I mean one was already a Rev and the other was training to be one.

Pros - better understanding and support of each other

Cons - competition between and lack of a different perspective

2) Its a joint calling - The other half to the Rev saw themselves being jointly called with their spouse - to be active in what they would eventually go on to do (but without the theological degree or the licensing as a Rev)

Pros - supportive and collabortive

Cons - confusion over the difference between their callings and hierarchy issues

3) Its his/her thing and I'll support them - Typically the other half is happy their spouse has been called to become a Rev - and is happy to support generally - but doesn't see it as a joint calling to serve God and the church.

Pros - supportive but also able to have some distance

Cons - maybe not bought into some of the sacrifices the Rev will be making

4) Nothing to do with me - there was one person I ran into where their partner wasn't a christian and so therefore wasn't "signed up" to the whole endeavour  - at a spiritual level at least

Pros - a truly different pespective

Cons - strain on the relationship

I see myself as fitting into the 3) category above.  Of course the college days are long gone and my wife is now in her first year of being a curate.  So far what I've found is that there is little support for the other halves of clergy - at least from the diocese and the bishop and archdeacon areas under it - except for an annual invite to a bash at the big bishops house.

The diocese set up does have a clergy spouse support organisation - but that is geared towards clergy wives not clergy husbands.

And I'm not entirely certain what sort of support I need - or could be helped with anyway.  My gut tells me that it would be useful to meet with others and swop experiences to get an idea of how others approach the role.

And in a way this is why I started writing this weekly blog - to share my experiences with others - in a way that might now and then be helpful.  

There's usually something happening on #weekday #evenings

One of the things I've had to get used to as a husband of a Rev is the hours she works.

Her typical day often seems to have three shifts, morning, afternoon and evening.  

And although theoretically she ought to limit her hours to something that is sustainable, there always seems to be some special circumstance which means she breaks that discipline quite a lot.

Many weekdays she seems to be out at some sort of meeting in the evening.  Fairly obviously this is because people who are working can only get to weekday meetings in the evenings.  In my experience of doing this you'd get in from secular work, have a hurried snatch of a dinner, and then go out again for a church work meeting.

Working in an office in my secular work meant I was used to meetings. But what I often found hard was switching from secular work meeting mode to church work meeting mode. I would sometimes catch myself at a church meeting asking rather pointedly - "So what is the point you are making" OR "Interesting point- what evidence do you have to back that conclusion up? 

Often the behaviours in the secular and church meetings were surprisingly - and sadly - very similar.  Often both would exhibit the following characteristic ....

"Have you ever been in a meeting where a third into the allocated time everything that needed to be said had been - but not everyone had said it?"

Often as a Revs husband I'l have cooked her a quick dinner by 6 or 6.30pm so she can be on her way out 6.30/7pm ish for a meeting that starts 7 or 7.30 pm

Anyway, for us the practical impact of her often going to evening meetings has been to pull the time of our dinners forward a little compared to our working in London days (when we tended to have dinner around 8pm ish).  

Another practical impact is that I often get 7-9pm to myself in the house.

My advice would be to still try hard to have dinner together - I find its often one of the few times we sit down with each other during a day.

PS - if you've been admiring the picture with the models  - the clothing is from an Apple (yes of iphone fame) clothing line from 1986.

Giving #feedback to the other half on services they lead or preach at

I know somebody who earns their living as an actor.  One time when we were chatting he explained to me the custom of directors giving notes to cast members.

As I remember his explanation this wasn't about the passing of an actual bit of paper.  Instead it was the act of giving an actor feedback on their performance.

Both the good and the bad.

Now before my wife became a Rev both of us were quite active in our local church in our village.  As part of that we would regularly lead services or give talks.   Over the years of doing such we had both got into the habit of giving each other verbal "notes" after the other half had done something in a church service.  

So typically this would cover issues like the clarity of the points made in a talk or whether an activity or illustration worked.  

As my wife started her curacy I'm now the only one giving notes as I don't do leadership stuff in church services. And of course I'm not in any way her director.  Her training and education leading up to ordination have made her way more qualified than I as concerns preaching and leading in a church context.  So the balance of each of us giving notes to the other has been lost.  It is now largely one way traffic.

So now-a-days I find myself having to be more thoughtful about what I say in giving feedback.  Which on reflection is probably a good thing.  As the weeks have turned into months of her being a curate I've noticed one thing.  

How each church develops its own particular way of running services but describes how it does things as "Oh you know, just the usual way"

So at a very charismatic evangelical church I attended when I was much younger we'd describe the services as being spirit led and free from a set approach or liturgy.  But in fact looking back on it now there were particular times in the service when people would speak in tongues and another person would offer an interpretation (but not always).

At the church my wife is a curate at they have a 1662 Book of Common Prayer (BCP) Morning Service.  A big attraction of this service to those who attend is its traditional, familiar and well loved liturgy and order.  And yet they don't follow the service quite in the order that is actually in the 1662 Book.  

Which is all a long winded approach to observing that when I'm giving my wife notes on a service she has led I find myself often actually giving notes on the particular liturgical ticks and quirks the church has developed over the years.  

At the present church they're not much given to giving helpful asides to indicate where in the service order we are or whether to sit of stand.  When I've chatted to others I'm told this is because the attendees are all regulars and know how it works.  T

This reply seems to be blind to the fact that what the regulars know is how we do it here - which isn't actually what is in the BCP.  It also seems to me to be a self fulfilling prophecy in terms of getting anybody new in or being welcoming to those who don't know how it works.

Still perhaps I'm being over sensitive on this issue.  I say this because I'm increasingly coming to the view that church services aren't a thing that will attract in people who have never been to church before.

#Remembering what you do or don't know

One aspect of being a Revs husband is that sometimes the other half will share what has gone on at one of the various meetings she attends.  

I think she does this as a form of debriefing to help her think through some of the issues raised.

And of course as part of the conversations at church with others I'll sometimes learn some news.  (This often happens when my wife is busy with somebody else or simply at one of her other churches and so people are telling you something for you to pass on as a message.)

So I know about some things because of conversations at meetings I wasn't at.  And I know about other things because people have asked me to pass a message on to my wife.  (I normally write these the key words from these messages down at the end of the conversation so I can pass them onto my wife accurately.

What is a bit tricky is knowing - if you know what I mean - what information is in the public domain and what isn't.   Now I know that according to best practice the person telling you the information shouldn't share stuff they weren't meant to  - or should make it clear what information shouldn't be shared with others.  

Buts lets face it, people are rarely that clear in one to one conversations or in discussions in meetings.

I find what helps me deal with all these "what am I meant to know or not meant to know" situations is that fortunately I have a very bad memory unless I write things down.  

This is fortunate because - when people have conversations with me starting with words like "Have you heard about xxx" or "What do you think about what happened at the xxx meeting" I can truthfully say I don't remember what that was all about.

Living in tied #housing

In the CofE if you're paid as a Rev then you will often get your accommodation provided. This can be in the form of a house that the Diocese or Parish own.  Sometimes it is by them making a contribution to the cost of renting somewhere.  

If you've been a home owner before then this is a bit like going back to your younger days at that 1st job or college renting your accommodation. 

With rented accommodation what can be nice is not having to fix, or pay to be fixed, the various things that always seem to need fixing in a house (dripping taps, faulty switches, seen better days shower grouting spring to mind as some of the cheaper things).  

But not having to fix stuff becomes a disadvantage when the landlord takes a long time to fix things as well.  And if the decorating isn't to your taste then you may not be able to convince the Diocese or Parish to redecorate just because you don't like the colour scheme, (returning the decorations to more neutral colours may help your argument as thats the general guidance given on what colour to paint stuff).

The curates house my wife got as part of her tied accommodation is perfectly pleasant.  It is owned by the parish and they are very good at fixing things promptly.  I'm told that the diocese are a lot slower in getting round to fix things on properties they own.  Apparently the trick to getting things fixed quicker by them is as follows.

As in advance as possible from when you are due to move in go round the property with a rep from the diocese property dept. and if you can somebody like an archdeacon.  If you're lucky the property rep will make a list of what needs fixing and then it will get fixed - eventually.

My top tip would be to try and contact the previous curate to find out if there are any particular niggles with the accommodation that they noticed over their 3 or so years as a curate.  

Its also worth finding out whether out whether they did much maintenance on the house.  As a curate's husband you can run into the assumption that all men are good at fixing things. 

In my case I'm not  - so it was useful to make the point that I wasn't a fixer when we first viewed the property with a church warden.   Clarity on expectations helps both sides I think.

Remembering #Names

I'm useless at remembering names.

But as the wife is a curate people seem to sometimes assume that if she knows their name then so will I.

When you're part of a church community it really does help to be able to call people by their first names.  And its far more preferable than "I've forgotten your name" smokescreens like "Hi mate",  "Greetings Friend",  "Wotcha" and soon on.



Over time I've picked up a couple of tips to help me remember names better ...

1) Always try and use the persons name a couple of times early on in your conversation.  For me this seems to help cement their name in my short term memory a bit more.

2) In your minds eye try to associate the person and their name with somebody else you know well.

3) I almost always carry a bit of  paper and pen with me so - as soon as I can after a conversation - I scribble down the name and a couple of key facts from the conversation to help me remember them.

4) Then when I get home I enter their name onto a list with a brief something to help me remember the person.  For me this seems to work as long as every now and then I read through the list and the reminders.

When we moved for my wife's curacy we wee lucky in that the church was having an away weekend in the summer before she started as their curate.  So we managed to get along to the weekend which really helped us learn a few names.  

In addition at the end of the weekend a group photo was taken.  With the churchwardens help my wife was able to write a key underneath the photo of people's names.  A quick glance at the photo and it's key every now and then helped us quickly learn people's names.

In fact this worked so well my top tip to church's welcoming new staff would be to take a group photo of the congregation, add people's names and send that to the new staff member a couple of weeks before they start.