#moving house #top11 things to check as your other half approaches #ordination

ht microsoft clipart for the photo

If your other half will soon be ordained as a Rev then you might well have to move home.  Even if you don't various things are inevitably going to change in your shared lives.  

Here are some thoughts from my experiences so far.

1) Existing (soon to be old) church duties -  at least a month or so before you move try to make sure you're taken off any duties/rotas so you get some breathing space before the move.  This also allows those who've taken over what you were doing to ask questions whilst you're still around.


2) Diocese or National Church Grants and Loans - these may be available for things like the Rev's books, their new wardrobe, extra computer equipment or even an extra car.

3) Moving Quotes - get these from whoever the Diocese approved moving firms are (the Diocese usually decides who gets the moving job).

4) Post Forwarding Service - decide whether/when you need to set this up (or start making a note of all the organisations you need to update with your new address).

5) Car Insurers - let them know when changes to your address happen and your other half's occupation change - otherwise your insurance may not be valid once you've moved and her occupation becomes a Rev and she uses the car in that role.

6) Renting out your old house (if you have one) - decide whether/which letting agency you'll use, arrange for: the necessary landlord gas (and maybe electrical) safety certificates; 4 sets of keys; reading of meters (the letting agency may do this); landlord building and contents insurance; decorating/repairing all those small niggles you've put up with - but which will be a cause of cost to you and complaints from your tenants.

7) Leaving party before the ordination - if you are having one agree who is organising it and send out the invites.

8) How much furniture and stuff you'll need to give away or put into storage - if the accommodation you are moving to is smaller than what you've currently got then its a good opportunity to de-clutter and give some away.  Otherwise work out what you'll need to put into storage before the move (if there isn't a garage at the new place).

9) Seeing each others online diaries - looking forward it will be useful to see what is in your partners diary so you can arrange time together and know when you're both in for meals. If you can use an internet enabled diary like google calendar then so much the better. Getting used to this as a way of working before you move may help you get used to it and iron out any kinks.

10) Have a discussion on some practicalities - like .....Should your answer-phone message give the Rev's mobile for emergencies? If the Rev is at home should they normally answer the phone? (as the bulk of calls will probably be for them).  Are there certain times - like mealtimes - when you agree to let the phone go to answer-phone?

11) Nominating your previous (but still owned) home as your main residence - If your partner and you will reside in living accommodation which is related to your partners job... then notify the tax authorities that you are nominating your old house as your main residence (this gives you Capital Gains Tax Relief).  You may wish to ask them to confirm they agree this nomination is valid and not time limited as your partner is required to reside in accommodation associated with their vocation.  

telling the children and family we're moving away

What seems an age ago my wife went through the discernment process to work out whether she had a calling to the priesthood.  
I'm told different Diocese do this in different ways.  In our diocese the process consisted of a series of extended chats.  After a particularly testing chat I well remember a midnight conversation at home where she was seriously questioning her calling.  

But we got though that. Then came the acceptance from the authorities that they agreed with her sense of being called to ministry.  With that came agreement to put her onto a theological degree so she could become a full time paid priest.  Fortunately for us we didn't have to move for that either.

Both of these stages  - discernment and education - required changes to our family life.  She necessarily focused more of her attention outside the family.  I necessarily had to focus more of mine into it and our home. 

Then came the bit where the Diocese started to suggest where she might go to be a curate. Her details were sent out to a prospective church.  If the incumbent liked what they read the process moved onto a visit.

I had the easy bit as I just had to go along to the prospective parishes with the wife.  This involved her being sussed out by the incumbent and shown around a bit whilst I occupied myself elsewhere. I'd then often join her for a meal with some of the great and good from the church.  These meals could be a bit weird.  The ones I attended were informal meals with people you've never met before.  But there's also an element of them checking both of you out and getting some of your backstory.  I managed to behave.  The wife got offered a job and so we knew where we were moving to.

But the hardest thing I've been through by a long chalk was telling our two teenage daughters that we'd be moving out of the area they'd grown up in.   Of course there were tears.  And truly anguished and plaintive questions asking why couldn't my wife just get a post nearby.  

Part of the answer to that was that it wasn't an option on offer.  But the other half of the answer was she wouldn't have wanted to do that anyway  (and I agreed with her).

I'm not sure if one of them has completely forgiven my wife for the soon to be move. (Even though it truly was a joint decision).  At the time one daughter suggested options where they stayed in our home area or did a long commute from the new home back to their existing school.  All of these options were pretty unrealistic. And gradually they were let go of as the reality of the move became apparent (events like being interviewed for entry into a school in the area we're moving to helped).

Time as always will be a healer of some sort.

why i started this blog

In the last 5 years I think the Church of England has really improved its research. The chart above is one example.  Qualitative studies have been joined by quantitative research using robust statistical analysis.

I mention all of this because my wife is getting closer and closer to her ordination in the Church of England.  As she does I wanted to understand a bit more about her chosen vocation.  What do Revs do? What journeys have others taken to be a Rev?  You've probably already guessed that I've found the CofE research great in answering those questions.  

But when I looked for information on what it was like being a Rev's husband I found far less help and information.  The Diocese did organise an annual ordinand evening to which spouses were invited and at which I met others in similar situations to mine.  And the college my wife was theologically educated at did make an effort to arrange spouse events.  But of course the other blokes at such events were in the same boat as me - we could see a change coming but had little idea of what it meant.  I also found that quite a lot of the spouses there were either married to a Rev or viewed their partners calling as a joint calling.  As this wasn't the position I'm in it made some of the conversations less useful.

My wife and I live in the southern half of the UK.  Given that context I have found no studies on what it's like being a husband to a Rev.  My gut instinct is that the same is largely true for studies on being the wife of Rev.  And to be fair there are some narrative descriptions of being a Rev's wife from which I've got some useful insights.  

But there seem to be precious few modern descriptions of what it's like being a Rev's husband.  Particularly if you're not a Rev and have no calling to be one or anything like it.

Which is why I decided to start this blog.  

Looking ahead I hope to post weekly on my Rev's husband experiences.  With luck I'll be able to sustain a weekly post.  If I do then I'll cover my experiences as my wife becomes a curate and then later  - I hope - moves into a substantive post.

With a bit of luck over time the posts will create a modern narrative that might even help others moving towards being a Rev's husband.  

Some of what I share will be totally irrelevant to your experiences.  Hopefully some of it won't.  Maybe others will find the time to comment on the posts.  And if they do then that will help this blog share resources and stories useful to Rev's husbands.