This Blog - a change to how often I post

I started this blog to share my experiences of being a Revs husband.  

I decided to do that because when I started as a RH I couldn't find much help or insight on the internet.  

For the last year or so I've blogged every week on a variety of subjects.

(as indicated by the thematic index below which has links to the various posts).

Over that time I think I've covered many of the main themes a vicar's spouse might wish to find some advice on.

So I know think its time to switch to posting as and when I come across experiences and situations I think would be of use for other husbands of Revs.  If you have any request for subjects to cover let me know via comments on this post.

THEMATIC INDEX OF PREVIOUS POSTS

BLOG - why I started it, 

CHURCH - after church, going to church together, how much do you get involved, remembering names, sermon bingo, parish weekend away 10 tips, what you don't know, 

FAMILY & HOUSE - christmas, christmas lunch, somebody else's decoration, answering the door, answering the phone, cooking & housework, easter, losing your lounge, only 3 years, maintenance, telling the family we're moving,  moving top 11 tips, the study/greeting room, tied housing, 

MONEY - charitable giving, what the church pay for, 

REVS HUSBAND - advice in books, advice any suggestions? advice to your wife - best given when asked for, your calling, talking about christian things with the wife, feedback to your wife, your own friends, gender stereotypes, your spiritual health, ideas to your wife, not having your own space, 

TIME OFF - post christmas break, weekday evenings, the day off, weekends, old & new friends, 

TRANSPORT - 2 cars, 

UNRELATED - Comms & digital media - 10 lessons from 7 years, Easter & Lent: various clips, Walking in Nepal 1, 2, 3, Pentecost: various clips, 

YOUR WIFE - colds in December, craft materials, daily office, their ordination, their shoes,  wedding couple chats, 

#Pentecost - various clips I've used in church social media posts on this subject over the years

Pentecost in 2 minutes  
The day of Pentecost
Reflections on Pentecost

Do you believe in the  Holy Spirit

wedding couple chats

One of the many things vicars often do is to have a chat with a wedding couple a while before the actual service.  

For the popular summertime weddings those chats tend to happen around now.

Some churches also put on a wedding preparation day at which they might run a  couple of relationship discussions/activities, do a fake and truncated wedding service, confirm of adminisrtative stuff and so on.

At the church my wife is a curate at they do all of the above.  

She's had quite a few couples come round for a chat - mostly at weekends - and I've made tea/coffee sometimes.  Of course I can't hear the detail of what they are discussing - just the general rumble of conversation and laughter as a background noise in the house.

But with that background noise from their conversation - and the amount of time they take for the chat - you can usually tell if they're a chatty or reticent couple and whether it took shorter or longer than usual.

Sometimes the couple can look a bit anxious when they turn up.  I imagine some couples think they're going to be given the 9 degrees on their faith and relationship - which is not something my wife would ever do!

Advice is best given when it is asked for

How do you wind down from work?

Some people exercise.  

Some have a couple of drinks before going home.

Some read a book or listen to music or watch a movie.

Some chat with their partner about what has gone on at work.

When I need to wind down after work I use the last approach.  My wife would mostly listen and interject a few questions now and then - in the style of "Why do you think they said that?" or "Why did that make you angry? "

And when my wife needs to wind down after a hard day as a vicar she'll often chat with me about what has gone on.  I try and listen and interject a few questions now and then.  But what I find harder to do is to limit myself to that and intelligent questioning to help her suss out what has gone on - and her reactions to it.

Mainly I find it difficult to not give advice because part of my usual behaviour is to try and fix things.

But in my heart of hearts I know that giving specific advice is rarely a good idea because:

a) a person with a problem needs to understand their own and others reactions to it;

... and often just needs to talk it through to get a perspective;

... and almost always needs to own the actions they decide to take on it;

- vicaring isn't like a business

... partly because so much of the "workforce" are volunteers;

... partly because there is so little supervision once you're a Rev;

... partly because there is an explicit embrace of both physical and spiritual realities;

So I try to remember that when the wife wants to talk about work - sometimes it works - sometimes it doesn't!

Pitch ideas and comments to your wife not the church process

If you're married to a Rev and your a christian who wants to help at your local church,(assuming your partner is the Rev there), then at some point you're going to have to think about what you get involved in and how much.

For example, I think that getting involved in the PCC would, on balance, cause my Rev wife more problems than would be helpful.  I say this because it seems to me you'd quickly run into issues like - "Is he talking for himself or expressing a view they both share?", let alone what happens when you disagree in a PCC on an action to be taken.

Plus I think it would mean you were more likely - as a couple - to talk about her work at home over meals - when in fact exactly the opposite is needed to provide a break.

Now I'm sure other couples will take a different view on this issue.  And as long as they discuss it and think through the consequences before committing to certain positions then that seems reasonable to me.

For myself I'm happy helping by being on various rotas (what would the CofE do without rotas?).   And I've decided that if I have a comment on something that is going on in church I'll comment to my wife not to the individuals concerned.  I take that approach for two reasons:

1) My wife as the Rev is better placed to decide whether its an issue that is important or not;

2) I think its better for me to be in a neutral position as concerns the various powers, factions, tribes or camps that are usually present in any church (and indeed in any community).

I think there is also a judgement call to be made in whether you make a comment to your Rev wife at all.  The issue maybe really important to you but is it really something the Rev needs to be dealing with?

not having your own room or #space with a #desk

The curates house the parish generously provides as part of my wife's employment is very nice.  I think it may have been adapted to work better as a clergy house - and therefore a venue for various small events and groups.

It has 3 bedrooms which means we have one and so does each of our daughters.

The elongated lounge allow us to use the back half as a lounge and the front half as a dining area.  With a folding down dining table this allows my wife to expand the lounge area to accommodate larger groups.

The kitchen is modern and fine but not large.

The room downstairs that was previously used as a dining room I or my daughters now use as a snug with a TV when the lounge is in use for church events.

And my wife has a separate study.

All of this is  - I understand - fairly normal for a curates house. But it does mean I haven't got a desk or something like it that I can do work from which involves paperwork or books.

So the solution I've gone for is to adapt some free standing wider shelving we already had to act as a standing desk.  The top shelf takes a laptop so the top of its screen is at standing eye level and there is some space for documents alongside. The shelf below that has a keyboard at a level its comfortable to use.  Below there are other shelves with various books and paperwork.

So that is how I've managed to create a space to work from at home.  And its much better on my spine than haunching and twisting over a laptop on my lap whilst sitting on the sofa with paperwork scattered around me.

Easter - a busy time

When my wife did her first Christmas as a curate I knew that she would be very busy - and she was.

The Lent/Easter season is the same and then a bit more.  Like Christmas there is a big week where something is going on each day. 



Unlike Christmas there is also a considerable run up over 40 days or so during Lent with Lent Groups usually going on.

With wife so busy its helpful to her that I've taken on the cooking duties.  At least that is thing she doesn't need to worry about

having other people take over your lounge

We are very fortunate in that my wife's curate job comes with a house that the local parish own but let us live in rent free.  But of course there is an expectation that it will be used for meetings and groups connected with my wife's role in the church.

So my advice is before you move into your curate's house think carefully about how you can arrange the various rooms to accommodate large groups and meetings whilst retaining somewhere for the rest of the family to be.  In our curates house the previous curate had used a long lounge as just a lounge- and the other ground floor room as their dining room (also on the ground floor was a WC and small kitchen).

The trouble with that type of arrangement is that if we'd not changed it then when large groups used the lounge the rest of the family would be banished to a not very comfortable dining room or upstairs into our bedrooms - neither a particularly entertaining or social option.

Instead what we did is as follows ...

- we laid out the rear end of the long lounge so it had two sofas and a TV and the front end to have a folding dining table.  

- This gave us a family space to relax and somewhere to eat as a family as well.  

- If a smaller group needed to meet in the lounge they could use the sofas and some folding chairs as necessary without moving anything.  

- If larger groups needed to meet in the lounge we could fold down the dining table and push one sofa back into the dining space giving even more room for folding chairs for seating.

 - The previous dining room was set out as a snug with a sofa, coffee table and TV/PC on a narrow desk.  This gave myself and our daughters a place to escape too that allowed us to watch TV or work on the PC without disturbing the meeting.

Thinking carefully before we moved in  - about how to arrange the various rooms to allow us to accommodate large groups  - whilst having a comfortable room for the rest of the family at the same time - really did pay dividends.

Having your own social circle

some of Apple's fashion collection from 1986

One piece of advice for a Rev's husband I've read somewhere is to join some sort of club - so you can build up your own circle of friends locally.

And I can see some of the sense in doing that - so that as well as friends at work (hopefully!)  - you've got friends near where you live.

But what the advice doesn't seem to take account of is the temporary nature of a posting as a curate.


As you may remember - we moved to a new market town for the curate posting my wife got.  But my wife is only going to be a curate for 3 or so years.  After that - assuming her training incumbent and the bishop give her the all clear - she'll be free to apply for her 1st substantive post somewhere in our current - or any other - diocese.

So ever since we moved I've known that we're only going to be here for 36 months or so.  Now of course that hasn't stopped us making some new friends - but the friendships are mostly with people in the church.

For me it didn't seem worthwhile getting involved in some local club - only to move on again after a short while.  I do sometimes wonder what Rev husbands in similar positions do.  In this diocese the Rev's Partners organisation doesn't much help in making contact with other Rev husbands.  Its still very much a Rev's wife dominated undertaking.

Anybody care to share their approach to the temporary nature of the curate posting - from a Rev's husband perspective?

#Lent & #Easter - various clips that maybe useful

In a departure om what I normally blog about I thought I'd do a post with the various clips I've used in church social media posts around Lent/Easter over the years.  I hope some of them prove useful to you.

Ash Wednesday & Lent

In 2 minutes



Lenten reflection & an old story with fresh eyes 



What do you need to make good?





Bible

Mark's Gospel - read by David Suchet over 2 hours - the actual gospel reading starts at the 8 minute second mark

t

Easter

Holy Week in 2 minutes




The Easter story via social media


Jesus and his life

Follow



Who is Jesus


I AM | Series Promo from NewSpring Creative on Vimeo.

somebody else's decoration

When you move into a curates house - which in our case was for free - one of your immediate reactions is to be thankful for the tremendous perk that is.

And I know from my work that the value of that perk is easily equal to some of the packages ex-pats get for working in the UK.

But one of the disadvantage is that you can't do a lot about the colour scheme - walls - curtains - ceilings - that you inherit.

When we moved into the curate's house my wife got with her job the parish, (who owned the property), arranged to paint the place in some neutral colours (they supplied the labour we paid for the paint).

But what we didn't pay to change was the carpets - because given we're only in the house for 3 or 4 years it didn't seem worthwhile.

Which means every now and then you notice the extreme colour clash between the neutral walls/ceilings and the remaining - and worn - carpet.

A 1st world problem if ever there was one

No need for you to do house maintenance - theoretically

When I moved with my other half to the market town she has her curacy at she got a curates house provided as part of the job.

This is a pretty good perk when you consider how much more one of us would need to earn pre-tax to afford the £1400 or so rent on the curates house - (a detached 1980/90's ish building with 3 bedrooms.)_

As it happens the parish - rather than the diocese - owns the curates house and so are responsible for its maintenance.

And they've been very good at that.  I think the previous curates husband was a good DIYer - so fixed quite a lot of stuff himself for the parish.  I'm not any good at DIY so once the parish knew that  - they have got tradespeople in promptly to fix things as and when necessary.

Chatting with some other husbands of Revs I gather once your other half gets her 1st vicar job the Diocese people can be quite slow on fixing things that aren't essential.  So for example - one story I heard about the diocese is that they got somebody in within a week to fix a water heating problem.  Inconvenient  - going a couple a week without hot water but manageable. 

However when asked to fix a bathroom door without a lock they were much slower - as in they still haven't fixed it 18 months later.  Obviously a lack of a bathroom lock isn't an urgent thing - but for a family with teenage daughters it is something that the teenagers won't like.

So I've been getting some advice on what to do when your other half gets their 1st vicar job.  Apparently the important thing to do is to do a walk round with the Diocese property people and somebody like an Archdeacon to list any defects that need sorting - and then to confirm that list to both individuals and whoever you report to.

This approach may not get the defects fixed - but at least it will document what needs sorting.  And if you can afford it you'll need to be prepared to fix (or pay to get somebody to fix) defects that the diocese are unlikely to be in a hurry to address.

sermon bingo

If you Rev wife preaches at several churches you may often find yourself attending your local church whilst she plays away somewhere else.

And that means that you'll often get to see her colleagues lead a service and/or preach a sermon.

Which is where things can start to get tricky. 
You see its terribly difficult not to compare how your Rev wife's colleagues preside and preach with how your wife does.

To take your mind off such comparisons - during the sermon in particular - I humbly submit to you a form of church sermon bingo.  In this you're listening for certain key phrases or themes.

When you hear a phrase /theme from my "Sermon Bingo Phrase/Theme List" below then award the preacher a point.  You will have to use your judgement as to whether the phrase/theme is near enough to warrant the award of a point - but I encourage you to exercise flexibility on this.

Using this simple scoring system you can - over time - rate various preachers in terms of how many of the sermon bingo phrases they utter in one sermon or over a month of sermons.

#Social & #Digital Media & #Communications and the #church - 10 lessons from 7 years

For the last 7 years or so I have helped various churches with their webpage and social media accounts.

And during her current curacy I've helped my wife's church set up a facebook page and twitter account.

Given those experiences I'd say there are a number of lessons I've learnt.


The language I use in the 10 lessons below is mostly in negative rather than positive language.  This simply reflects my experience  - and of course perceptions of that also - over the last 7 years.  (I'm hoping the next 7 years experience will be more positive). 

The slides I have inserted below are from a presentation by @AdrianHarris (Head of Digital Communications - The Church of England) on Digital Evangelism given to the February 2018 General Synod.

I'm also hoping that in using such language it will help others be realistic about the challenges of helping churches adopt social media and digital communications.  Indeed I hope that by describing some of the pitfalls they'll be forewarned about the obstacles you might face.

1) If church leaders don't want to improve their digital presence they probably won't - even after a presentation you might give on the tremendous reach of social media via smartphones. Indeed I've often found that in a church the major opponents to taking a church into digital media don't use social media  - and bring with them popular misconceptions about its dangers.

2) If church leaders pay little attention to communications then that won't suddenly change -  even if they agree to you setting up some social media accounts for them.  Indeed I've often found that church leaders can't clearly state what audiences they are trying to reach with what messages via what channels - because they just don't prioritise thinking about communications that way.

3) Often you'll only find out about an event coming up when the publicity comes out - not before.  Indeed I've found that even then you have to chase the source of the publicity for pictures or text to use in digital media.  Often this indicates a lack of planning ahead and/or the absence of a "diary" that logs all planned future events - in such cases the weekly notices in effect become the only place things are brought together.

4) If event organisers don't usually nominate somebody to take photos at their events - then they still won't.  Indeed I've often found that the organisers seem to think photo taking is what digital communicators are there to do - even if the event isn't something they'd usually go to.

5) Its really important you get absolute clarity about what permissions are required before pictures of children or adults can be used - but you'll often find it difficult to get that clarity.  Indeed I've found - in the CofE - that the rules within a Diocese can contradict themselves and that different Diocese have different rules.  Often I'll revert to taking pictures of things not people to avoid the whole issue.

6) People who don't "get" digital media will often refer to the digital using pejorative terms like "virtual" or "unreal". Indeed they will characterise what people do in the digital as not serious, playing around, wasting time or not paying attention.  Thus if I take notes during a sermon on paper I'm serious whereas if I do the same on a smartphone I'm distracted.  That's why I prefer language like physical or digital.

7) You'll need to be self-motivated if you want to help the church embrace the digital  - don't assume your time and efforts will be understood or recognised. 

8) People who like planning ahead will and those who don't won't - neither is always the right or wrong approach. Indeed you may need to gently point this out to people who aren't self aware enough to realise they default to describing their preferred approach as always right.

9) Some of you will be comfortable organising digital communications with little preparation time - and some of you won't.  Know what your preferred approach is.  Say no firmly but respectfully to leaders who try to get you to do something you're not comfortable doing.  But in doing so do explain why you can't help them using language about your abilities and skills rather than using language about their approach to planning or spontaneity.

10) From the start work on offering volunteers opportunities to help your digital communications in time limited, flexible, small bite sized pieces.  Indeed with a bit of thought you can often ID events that allow a volunteer to draft some communications on a quarterly basis.

Where to get #advice as a Rev's husband - any suggestions or topics?

One of the reasons I started thisblog was because when I searched the internet for advice on being a Rev's husband I didn't find a lot.

I did discover that using the words clergy, spouse and husband in a google search brings up an interesting array of articles about clergy straying from the straight and narrow with someone else's husband or wife.


So over the last 9 months or so I've tried to blog on my experiences as a Rev's husband in what I hope is a useful way. I've covered topics like moving house, what the diocese pays for, living in tied housing, deciding how much to get involved in your wife's church, advice in books, her day off, choosing shoes (no really!) , losing the weekend, your own spiritual development, answering the phone and going to church together.

If you've got some suggestions on topics you'd like me to cover do please let me know via a comment

Talking about #christian things with the #wife

Training to be a Rev with the dear old CofE does take some time.  

First there is all that discernment to sort out whether God really is calling a person to the vocation of being a priest. 


In addition to discernment,(say 1 or 2 years), some Diocese also like you to have attended one of their 3 year courses - so add another year or 2.



The prospective priest then has the education bit for the theology degree - so thats another 3 years.  

Then there is the 1st training/apprentice placement as a Rev Curate or something similar for 3 or so years.  

And then its onto the 1st appointment as a vicar or team member or whatever.  

In traveling this path there is a lot of learning - about yourself, your faith and - of course - about theology.

I list all of this because one of the things I've noticed is how it affected my faith discussions with my wife as she traveled the path to be a Rev.  Before she started on the path above I like to think our discussions were between two people with an equal amount of faith experience and learning.

Now-a-days that plainly isn't the case - the other half is considerably more knowledgeable about such matters and in particular the various positions and arguments people take on them.  

So although we are still co-explorers she's way ahead of me.   

Another unexpected consequence of the wife becoming a Rev, (although I guess with a bit more thought at the start I should have seen this coming).

Going to #church together

Before my wife became a full time Rev we used to go to church together. Typically we'd journey to church together, walk into the church together, catch up with some people, choose a place to sit down together, sing the hymns and say the liturgy together, listen to the sermon together, end the service together, have a coffee and a chat, then go home ...... together.  

Well I guess you get the together point.   



Now-a-days in the village we live in the other half is sometimes up the front doing something.  Or often as not she is another of the other 4 churches she has care of also.  All of this means that I mostly sit on my own when I go to church.  

Now the congregation here are very friendly so I usually chat to somebody near me in the pews before and/or after the service.  But it isn't quite the same as being in church attending a service with your wife.  

The whole experience has made me far more aware of what its like coming into a church on your own and initially not knowing many people.  Its also meant that  - on the rare occasions when we can go to church together - its a bit of a treat.

Can we keep that #cardboard box - I might need it for #Goliath

There are of course many slightly weird things you'll have to get used to as a vicars husband.  With most of these peculiarities nobody gives you warning of what they are going to be.

So maybe in part this blog is about trying to share some of this "how it is going to be" heads up intelligence for husbands of Revs.

Your garage, or your loft, or a spare room in your house, (if you're lucky to have one), are going to get taken over.  With what? With materials and things that your beloved needs to store  - because potentially they might become something useful as a visual aid or activity in a future sermon they give or event they organise.

I'd imagine that the following types of items are quite typical in such stores up and down the country - inflatable world globes, giant foam jenga pieces, lightbulbs that turn on when you hold their base, lego pieces, lego people figures, playmobile people pieces and flattened (or not) cardboard boxes.

Why cardboard boxes I hear you cry - well in the words of my wife

"Can we keep that cardboard box - I might need it for Goliath"

Their Daily Office

When the other half started on her journey to be a Rev she was encouraged to do the daily office - so  effectively this means she goes through a morning prayer service on her own.

One of the practicalities of this is that when she gets up and showers one of the next things she does is her daily office.

So if I were to get up at the same time I'd be having breakfast on my own whilst she does the daily offiice in - appropriately - her office.
 
I guess we could do the daily office to gether - but I know this is something she would want to do - and for me it would feele as though I would somehow be intruding in something that is particular to her role as a priest.

Or of course I could clean some windows or do other clearing/cleaning around the house ... but instead of that the reality of what we do is as follows - she gets up and showers then does her daily office - I stay in bed listening to the radio - when I hear the sounds of her bashing aorund in the kitchen its a sign to me to get up so we can have breakfast together.