#Discerning what your #calling is

When my wife was doing her theological degree the college she was at - St Mellitus - used to organise a daytime event for spouses to share their experiences and get a bit of input. 

I went on one of these and it was interesting to see the different approaches spouses took to their other halves doing vicar training - and to think about the pros and cons of each approach -below is a summary of the types.

1) Clergy couples - By that I mean one was already a Rev and the other was training to be one.

Pros - better understanding and support of each other

Cons - competition between and lack of a different perspective

2) Its a joint calling - The other half to the Rev saw themselves being jointly called with their spouse - to be active in what they would eventually go on to do (but without the theological degree or the licensing as a Rev)

Pros - supportive and collabortive

Cons - confusion over the difference between their callings and hierarchy issues

3) Its his/her thing and I'll support them - Typically the other half is happy their spouse has been called to become a Rev - and is happy to support generally - but doesn't see it as a joint calling to serve God and the church.

Pros - supportive but also able to have some distance

Cons - maybe not bought into some of the sacrifices the Rev will be making

4) Nothing to do with me - there was one person I ran into where their partner wasn't a christian and so therefore wasn't "signed up" to the whole endeavour  - at a spiritual level at least

Pros - a truly different pespective

Cons - strain on the relationship

I see myself as fitting into the 3) category above.  Of course the college days are long gone and my wife is now in her first year of being a curate.  So far what I've found is that there is little support for the other halves of clergy - at least from the diocese and the bishop and archdeacon areas under it - except for an annual invite to a bash at the big bishops house.

The diocese set up does have a clergy spouse support organisation - but that is geared towards clergy wives not clergy husbands.

And I'm not entirely certain what sort of support I need - or could be helped with anyway.  My gut tells me that it would be useful to meet with others and swop experiences to get an idea of how others approach the role.

And in a way this is why I started writing this weekly blog - to share my experiences with others - in a way that might now and then be helpful.  

There's usually something happening on #weekday #evenings

One of the things I've had to get used to as a husband of a Rev is the hours she works.

Her typical day often seems to have three shifts, morning, afternoon and evening.  

And although theoretically she ought to limit her hours to something that is sustainable, there always seems to be some special circumstance which means she breaks that discipline quite a lot.

Many weekdays she seems to be out at some sort of meeting in the evening.  Fairly obviously this is because people who are working can only get to weekday meetings in the evenings.  In my experience of doing this you'd get in from secular work, have a hurried snatch of a dinner, and then go out again for a church work meeting.

Working in an office in my secular work meant I was used to meetings. But what I often found hard was switching from secular work meeting mode to church work meeting mode. I would sometimes catch myself at a church meeting asking rather pointedly - "So what is the point you are making" OR "Interesting point- what evidence do you have to back that conclusion up? 

Often the behaviours in the secular and church meetings were surprisingly - and sadly - very similar.  Often both would exhibit the following characteristic ....

"Have you ever been in a meeting where a third into the allocated time everything that needed to be said had been - but not everyone had said it?"

Often as a Revs husband I'l have cooked her a quick dinner by 6 or 6.30pm so she can be on her way out 6.30/7pm ish for a meeting that starts 7 or 7.30 pm

Anyway, for us the practical impact of her often going to evening meetings has been to pull the time of our dinners forward a little compared to our working in London days (when we tended to have dinner around 8pm ish).  

Another practical impact is that I often get 7-9pm to myself in the house.

My advice would be to still try hard to have dinner together - I find its often one of the few times we sit down with each other during a day.

PS - if you've been admiring the picture with the models  - the clothing is from an Apple (yes of iphone fame) clothing line from 1986.

Giving #feedback to the other half on services they lead or preach at

I know somebody who earns their living as an actor.  One time when we were chatting he explained to me the custom of directors giving notes to cast members.

As I remember his explanation this wasn't about the passing of an actual bit of paper.  Instead it was the act of giving an actor feedback on their performance.

Both the good and the bad.

Now before my wife became a Rev both of us were quite active in our local church in our village.  As part of that we would regularly lead services or give talks.   Over the years of doing such we had both got into the habit of giving each other verbal "notes" after the other half had done something in a church service.  

So typically this would cover issues like the clarity of the points made in a talk or whether an activity or illustration worked.  

As my wife started her curacy I'm now the only one giving notes as I don't do leadership stuff in church services. And of course I'm not in any way her director.  Her training and education leading up to ordination have made her way more qualified than I as concerns preaching and leading in a church context.  So the balance of each of us giving notes to the other has been lost.  It is now largely one way traffic.

So now-a-days I find myself having to be more thoughtful about what I say in giving feedback.  Which on reflection is probably a good thing.  As the weeks have turned into months of her being a curate I've noticed one thing.  

How each church develops its own particular way of running services but describes how it does things as "Oh you know, just the usual way"

So at a very charismatic evangelical church I attended when I was much younger we'd describe the services as being spirit led and free from a set approach or liturgy.  But in fact looking back on it now there were particular times in the service when people would speak in tongues and another person would offer an interpretation (but not always).

At the church my wife is a curate at they have a 1662 Book of Common Prayer (BCP) Morning Service.  A big attraction of this service to those who attend is its traditional, familiar and well loved liturgy and order.  And yet they don't follow the service quite in the order that is actually in the 1662 Book.  

Which is all a long winded approach to observing that when I'm giving my wife notes on a service she has led I find myself often actually giving notes on the particular liturgical ticks and quirks the church has developed over the years.  

At the present church they're not much given to giving helpful asides to indicate where in the service order we are or whether to sit of stand.  When I've chatted to others I'm told this is because the attendees are all regulars and know how it works.  T

This reply seems to be blind to the fact that what the regulars know is how we do it here - which isn't actually what is in the BCP.  It also seems to me to be a self fulfilling prophecy in terms of getting anybody new in or being welcoming to those who don't know how it works.

Still perhaps I'm being over sensitive on this issue.  I say this because I'm increasingly coming to the view that church services aren't a thing that will attract in people who have never been to church before.

#Remembering what you do or don't know

One aspect of being a Revs husband is that sometimes the other half will share what has gone on at one of the various meetings she attends.  

I think she does this as a form of debriefing to help her think through some of the issues raised.

And of course as part of the conversations at church with others I'll sometimes learn some news.  (This often happens when my wife is busy with somebody else or simply at one of her other churches and so people are telling you something for you to pass on as a message.)

So I know about some things because of conversations at meetings I wasn't at.  And I know about other things because people have asked me to pass a message on to my wife.  (I normally write these the key words from these messages down at the end of the conversation so I can pass them onto my wife accurately.

What is a bit tricky is knowing - if you know what I mean - what information is in the public domain and what isn't.   Now I know that according to best practice the person telling you the information shouldn't share stuff they weren't meant to  - or should make it clear what information shouldn't be shared with others.  

Buts lets face it, people are rarely that clear in one to one conversations or in discussions in meetings.

I find what helps me deal with all these "what am I meant to know or not meant to know" situations is that fortunately I have a very bad memory unless I write things down.  

This is fortunate because - when people have conversations with me starting with words like "Have you heard about xxx" or "What do you think about what happened at the xxx meeting" I can truthfully say I don't remember what that was all about.