This Blog - a change to how often I post

I started this blog to share my experiences of being a Revs husband.  

I decided to do that because when I started as a RH I couldn't find much help or insight on the internet.  

For the last year or so I've blogged every week on a variety of subjects.

(as indicated by the thematic index below which has links to the various posts).

Over that time I think I've covered many of the main themes a vicar's spouse might wish to find some advice on.

So I know think its time to switch to posting as and when I come across experiences and situations I think would be of use for other husbands of Revs.  If you have any request for subjects to cover let me know via comments on this post.

THEMATIC INDEX OF PREVIOUS POSTS

BLOG - why I started it, 

CHURCH - after church, going to church together, how much do you get involved, remembering names, sermon bingo, parish weekend away 10 tips, what you don't know, 

FAMILY & HOUSE - christmas, christmas lunch, somebody else's decoration, answering the door, answering the phone, cooking & housework, easter, losing your lounge, only 3 years, maintenance, telling the family we're moving,  moving top 11 tips, the study/greeting room, tied housing, 

MONEY - charitable giving, what the church pay for, 

REVS HUSBAND - advice in books, advice any suggestions? advice to your wife - best given when asked for, your calling, talking about christian things with the wife, feedback to your wife, your own friends, gender stereotypes, your spiritual health, ideas to your wife, not having your own space, 

TIME OFF - post christmas break, weekday evenings, the day off, weekends, old & new friends, 

TRANSPORT - 2 cars, 

UNRELATED - Comms & digital media - 10 lessons from 7 years, Easter & Lent: various clips, Walking in Nepal 1, 2, 3, Pentecost: various clips, 

YOUR WIFE - colds in December, craft materials, daily office, their ordination, their shoes,  wedding couple chats, 

#Pentecost - various clips I've used in church social media posts on this subject over the years

Pentecost in 2 minutes  
The day of Pentecost
Reflections on Pentecost

Do you believe in the  Holy Spirit

wedding couple chats

One of the many things vicars often do is to have a chat with a wedding couple a while before the actual service.  

For the popular summertime weddings those chats tend to happen around now.

Some churches also put on a wedding preparation day at which they might run a  couple of relationship discussions/activities, do a fake and truncated wedding service, confirm of adminisrtative stuff and so on.

At the church my wife is a curate at they do all of the above.  

She's had quite a few couples come round for a chat - mostly at weekends - and I've made tea/coffee sometimes.  Of course I can't hear the detail of what they are discussing - just the general rumble of conversation and laughter as a background noise in the house.

But with that background noise from their conversation - and the amount of time they take for the chat - you can usually tell if they're a chatty or reticent couple and whether it took shorter or longer than usual.

Sometimes the couple can look a bit anxious when they turn up.  I imagine some couples think they're going to be given the 9 degrees on their faith and relationship - which is not something my wife would ever do!

Advice is best given when it is asked for

How do you wind down from work?

Some people exercise.  

Some have a couple of drinks before going home.

Some read a book or listen to music or watch a movie.

Some chat with their partner about what has gone on at work.

When I need to wind down after work I use the last approach.  My wife would mostly listen and interject a few questions now and then - in the style of "Why do you think they said that?" or "Why did that make you angry? "

And when my wife needs to wind down after a hard day as a vicar she'll often chat with me about what has gone on.  I try and listen and interject a few questions now and then.  But what I find harder to do is to limit myself to that and intelligent questioning to help her suss out what has gone on - and her reactions to it.

Mainly I find it difficult to not give advice because part of my usual behaviour is to try and fix things.

But in my heart of hearts I know that giving specific advice is rarely a good idea because:

a) a person with a problem needs to understand their own and others reactions to it;

... and often just needs to talk it through to get a perspective;

... and almost always needs to own the actions they decide to take on it;

- vicaring isn't like a business

... partly because so much of the "workforce" are volunteers;

... partly because there is so little supervision once you're a Rev;

... partly because there is an explicit embrace of both physical and spiritual realities;

So I try to remember that when the wife wants to talk about work - sometimes it works - sometimes it doesn't!

Pitch ideas and comments to your wife not the church process

If you're married to a Rev and your a christian who wants to help at your local church,(assuming your partner is the Rev there), then at some point you're going to have to think about what you get involved in and how much.

For example, I think that getting involved in the PCC would, on balance, cause my Rev wife more problems than would be helpful.  I say this because it seems to me you'd quickly run into issues like - "Is he talking for himself or expressing a view they both share?", let alone what happens when you disagree in a PCC on an action to be taken.

Plus I think it would mean you were more likely - as a couple - to talk about her work at home over meals - when in fact exactly the opposite is needed to provide a break.

Now I'm sure other couples will take a different view on this issue.  And as long as they discuss it and think through the consequences before committing to certain positions then that seems reasonable to me.

For myself I'm happy helping by being on various rotas (what would the CofE do without rotas?).   And I've decided that if I have a comment on something that is going on in church I'll comment to my wife not to the individuals concerned.  I take that approach for two reasons:

1) My wife as the Rev is better placed to decide whether its an issue that is important or not;

2) I think its better for me to be in a neutral position as concerns the various powers, factions, tribes or camps that are usually present in any church (and indeed in any community).

I think there is also a judgement call to be made in whether you make a comment to your Rev wife at all.  The issue maybe really important to you but is it really something the Rev needs to be dealing with?

not having your own room or #space with a #desk

The curates house the parish generously provides as part of my wife's employment is very nice.  I think it may have been adapted to work better as a clergy house - and therefore a venue for various small events and groups.

It has 3 bedrooms which means we have one and so does each of our daughters.

The elongated lounge allow us to use the back half as a lounge and the front half as a dining area.  With a folding down dining table this allows my wife to expand the lounge area to accommodate larger groups.

The kitchen is modern and fine but not large.

The room downstairs that was previously used as a dining room I or my daughters now use as a snug with a TV when the lounge is in use for church events.

And my wife has a separate study.

All of this is  - I understand - fairly normal for a curates house. But it does mean I haven't got a desk or something like it that I can do work from which involves paperwork or books.

So the solution I've gone for is to adapt some free standing wider shelving we already had to act as a standing desk.  The top shelf takes a laptop so the top of its screen is at standing eye level and there is some space for documents alongside. The shelf below that has a keyboard at a level its comfortable to use.  Below there are other shelves with various books and paperwork.

So that is how I've managed to create a space to work from at home.  And its much better on my spine than haunching and twisting over a laptop on my lap whilst sitting on the sofa with paperwork scattered around me.

Easter - a busy time

When my wife did her first Christmas as a curate I knew that she would be very busy - and she was.

The Lent/Easter season is the same and then a bit more.  Like Christmas there is a big week where something is going on each day. 



Unlike Christmas there is also a considerable run up over 40 days or so during Lent with Lent Groups usually going on.

With wife so busy its helpful to her that I've taken on the cooking duties.  At least that is thing she doesn't need to worry about

having other people take over your lounge

We are very fortunate in that my wife's curate job comes with a house that the local parish own but let us live in rent free.  But of course there is an expectation that it will be used for meetings and groups connected with my wife's role in the church.

So my advice is before you move into your curate's house think carefully about how you can arrange the various rooms to accommodate large groups and meetings whilst retaining somewhere for the rest of the family to be.  In our curates house the previous curate had used a long lounge as just a lounge- and the other ground floor room as their dining room (also on the ground floor was a WC and small kitchen).

The trouble with that type of arrangement is that if we'd not changed it then when large groups used the lounge the rest of the family would be banished to a not very comfortable dining room or upstairs into our bedrooms - neither a particularly entertaining or social option.

Instead what we did is as follows ...

- we laid out the rear end of the long lounge so it had two sofas and a TV and the front end to have a folding dining table.  

- This gave us a family space to relax and somewhere to eat as a family as well.  

- If a smaller group needed to meet in the lounge they could use the sofas and some folding chairs as necessary without moving anything.  

- If larger groups needed to meet in the lounge we could fold down the dining table and push one sofa back into the dining space giving even more room for folding chairs for seating.

 - The previous dining room was set out as a snug with a sofa, coffee table and TV/PC on a narrow desk.  This gave myself and our daughters a place to escape too that allowed us to watch TV or work on the PC without disturbing the meeting.

Thinking carefully before we moved in  - about how to arrange the various rooms to allow us to accommodate large groups  - whilst having a comfortable room for the rest of the family at the same time - really did pay dividends.

Having your own social circle

some of Apple's fashion collection from 1986

One piece of advice for a Rev's husband I've read somewhere is to join some sort of club - so you can build up your own circle of friends locally.

And I can see some of the sense in doing that - so that as well as friends at work (hopefully!)  - you've got friends near where you live.

But what the advice doesn't seem to take account of is the temporary nature of a posting as a curate.


As you may remember - we moved to a new market town for the curate posting my wife got.  But my wife is only going to be a curate for 3 or so years.  After that - assuming her training incumbent and the bishop give her the all clear - she'll be free to apply for her 1st substantive post somewhere in our current - or any other - diocese.

So ever since we moved I've known that we're only going to be here for 36 months or so.  Now of course that hasn't stopped us making some new friends - but the friendships are mostly with people in the church.

For me it didn't seem worthwhile getting involved in some local club - only to move on again after a short while.  I do sometimes wonder what Rev husbands in similar positions do.  In this diocese the Rev's Partners organisation doesn't much help in making contact with other Rev husbands.  Its still very much a Rev's wife dominated undertaking.

Anybody care to share their approach to the temporary nature of the curate posting - from a Rev's husband perspective?

#Lent & #Easter - various clips that maybe useful

In a departure om what I normally blog about I thought I'd do a post with the various clips I've used in church social media posts around Lent/Easter over the years.  I hope some of them prove useful to you.

Ash Wednesday & Lent

In 2 minutes



Lenten reflection & an old story with fresh eyes 



What do you need to make good?





Bible

Mark's Gospel - read by David Suchet over 2 hours - the actual gospel reading starts at the 8 minute second mark

t

Easter

Holy Week in 2 minutes




The Easter story via social media


Jesus and his life

Follow



Who is Jesus


I AM | Series Promo from NewSpring Creative on Vimeo.