I've known for some time now that the CofE has a thing about shoes. Its not spoken about much but I've decided to speak out on this almost hidden (I blame the cassocks) subject.
It was when my wife was being deaconed (the ceremony which amongst other things allowed her to wear a collar the wrong way round).
In preparation for the event she received some instructions about what to wear.
There were particular instructions about shoes. Black, leather and no high heels the document proclaimed. I asked what that was all about. My wife explained that apparently those in authority had deemed such advice to be necessary to avoid people wearing shoes that were too showy and so drew attention to the individual. It struck me at the time that if they didn't want individuals drawing attention to themselves then the authorities had made a schoolboy error, in arranging a service where they all stood up at the front and were surrounded by people in pointy hats.
Mind you who is in authority in the CofE is a murky concept. The wife had to "swear that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, her heirs and successors, according to law: So help me God." - which is pretty clear with the only wriggle room being the words "according to law".
Whereas the other oath she had to swear "by Almighty God that I will pay true and canonical obedience to the Lord Bishop of XXX and his successors in all things lawful and honest: So help me God." See the extra "and honest" wriggle room there?
Instructions like those on which shoes my wife should wear are said to come from those above in the hierarchy. Or it is said they are required by canon (the law of the land specific to the CofE - more often observed in the passing). Often when you challenge which bit of canon says "you have to XXX" you'l find those quoting canon suddenly become strangely shy as to which particular bit. It often turns out its actually just tradition (which is one of the key things the CoFE rest on - along with scripture and reason)
Often in fact the instructions are "because we've always given that advice" (so a genesis somewhere in the 1950s). Or they come from the office cat jumping up onto the computer keyboard and - by a stroke of genuine luck - typing in such instructions as it prowls around.
As my wife has just started as a curate I have discovered that the instructions missed out some important criteria. Churches have various types of flooring ranging from stone slabs, memorial stones, gratings and wood to carpets in various attractive and not hues. It turns out that certain types of shoes make disconcerting squelching or farting like sounds when applied to the harder of these flooring materials.
I don't know about you but I think Clark's and the like have missed a market opportunity here. If they just included in their online descriptions a rating of the level of noise their shoes make on hard surfaces they could capture a specialist market - people who walk in public buildings in an official capacity who need to project a certain level of gravitas which might be eroded by farting shoes.
Revs in the CofE are meant to have
one day off a week. Usually this isn't
at the weekends and so is a weekday.
Deciding what to do as a couple on your day off is interesting.
After a particularly busy week my Rev wife just needs some do nothing time rather than visiting or shopping. If you're in a small town or village you'll inevitably find that if you go shopping locally your Rev other half will bump into parishioners and you'll end up doing the shopping whilst she chats with them.
Which is why getting away from the town together
as a couple to a new environment is often exactly what we need.
For us I think part of the art-form of all of
this is not being too organised about what we are going to do for every day off - whilst balancing this with some forward thinking and planning as concerns going out for a meal or a concert together.
For myself as the Rev's husband I've also had to get into habit of not organising things on the wife's day off.
If you didn't know it diocese have various guidelines for clergy
housing. These normally suggest its a good idea if there is a room downstairs in the house
where the Rev can meet people.
Often
this will have to double as their study as well and the advice is it should be
accessible from the hallway off which there should preferably also be a WC
(This is all to avoid visitors having to walk through family rooms).
Curates accommodation, and indeed that for
vicars, may or may not actually meet these guidelines.
When my wife was a curate she was fortunate
to be provided with a house that had a room
she could use as her study and a separate front room that could be used for
visitors (and when not in use was a useful 2nd lounge with a 2nd TV/computer).
I say all this because what this practically often means for you - the Rev's other half - is that you're not going to get your own study/desk area. When we were in a curates house I got round this by having a standing desk in the lounge. And in the current vicarage there is a spare bedroom I can use as my study - as long as our daughters aren't home. But when they move back having completed uni (not a certain future but fairly probable) it maybe that the spare bedroom isn't spare any more.
All of this is probably a long winded way of saying that a standing desk is probably your best bet if you want some sort of area in the house where you can keep stuff on a desk (or something like it).
Moving to the parish where my wife was going to be a curate gave us the opportunity to review how much £ we give away and to who.
That is the great thing about moving. You can you can use it as a prompt to review all sorts of things - like what aspects of church you help with or whether moving boxes of things from one loft to another is really all that sensible.
So we took the opportunity to rationalise the number of worthy causes we give money to.
Over the years we'd built up a large variety of small monthly donations to a wide variety of charities. This wasn't part of a grand strategy but more to do with myself being caught on the street by insistent and persuasive chuggers.
As my wife is going to be a curate at one church then which church to give to is a fairly easy decision. For those whose better halves have multiple churches and parishes to serve I guess the situation is trickier.
So as you move to a new parish(s) my advice would be to use it as a prompt to review old habits and customs you've grown into without really intending to.
When I first knew I was going to be the husband of a Rev I scoured the internet for advice.
One of the books I found was matthew caminer's "a clergy husband's survival guide"
In summary what this book does is give guidance around four themes. I've picked out some of the advice that resonated with me ....
1) the journey - which covers the long process towards ordination and the early years and issues like the initial interviews or what to expect if either of you have been divorced.
advice
- be proactive in booking leisure time that you both do together.
- in preparation for the 1st posting - talk about how much you can plan for by thinking ahead (my addition to this would be to also recognise what should not be thought through ahead)
2) clergy husband: what does it mean? - which covers issues like your self knowledge, church attendance, her journey and yours, boundaries and expectations.
advice
- take the initiative in maintaining contact with old friends.
- make sure you have activities that reflect your own interests.
3) lifestyle issues - which covers issues like who pays which bills, grants, email and telephones, days off, the use of the house for church business.
advice
- agree which bits of the home are available for church business and which are not.
- leave a a message pad by all telephones in the house.
4) if things go wrong - which covers issues like discord within the parish, sex, adultery and addiction, loss of faith, illness and bereavement
.
advice
- talk with your wife about any battles with the hierarchy but don't intervene
- be aware of your weak areas and know what the early warning signs are
